Well, it has been far too long. I find it very easy to procrastinate writing. It is painful and emotionally exhausting… and I would just rather busy myself with other things. But God has told me to write. Already God has used Aaden’s story to reach people for His glory… even through this silly blog. So… I will write.
God’s love for us is perfect. It expands beyond our knowing, beyond our complete understanding. And yet, we find ourselves at places of complacency. We go through the motions of serving God. We are never challenged, we are never broken and as a result we never grow. Our love for God grows dull, we lose passion and our focus is blurred.
When I was in college I was privileged enough to be a part of an amazing group of Christian women. We would spend hours upon hours together praying and singing together (we were an acappella group)… worshiping the Lord. I remember a couple of the ladies would frequently pray, begging God to break them, break us… for His glory. I hated that prayer. You don’t pray something like that… I mean really… who wants God to break them? But I guess those ladies knew more than I did. They know that if you want to grow, sometimes, you have to be humbled… you have to be broken.
A few weeks after Aaden was born I remember standing in an amazing worship service at Aletheia. And I remember feeling so far from God. My life was perfect and yet I had this nagging feeling that there should be more… I knew there was more. I had somehow allowed myself to get to that place of complacency. How is that possible? How could I possibly take so much for granted? I can look back and see myself going through motions of serving God but I was missing the mark. I cried out to God that morning to break me. I wanted Him more than anything else. He is my Savior, the One who died for me… doesn’t He deserve that?
I know that Aaden’s death was not a direct result of that prayer; but, I also know that God knew that He would answer my prayer very shortly. He has broken me to point where there were moments in the past 6 months where I could not stand for myself… moments where I felt as though I could not take a next breath. In those moments, He would sweep in… walk for me, breath for me. What a beautiful love story. He never left me alone. And He has promised me in His Word that He will “heal the brokenhearted and bind up their wounds.” (Psalm 147:3). I trust Him. I trust that His will is indeed perfect and that He knows better that me.
A couple weeks ago I was listening to a song by Bethany Dillon, “New”, and though I have heard this song probably a million times God spoke to me through it like He had not done before…
“When I have been a victim of familiarity
When my heart has fallen into sleep
Healing is the voice that awakens me
And it is you…
… You see all my pain
You cry over it for hours till I’m new again…
You, you make me new…”
I believe God knows more than anyone what we are going through. He experienced this fallen world first hand. He has felt complete isolation and loneliness… He has been disappointed… He has been hurt, abandoned, and abused. I urge you to put your trust, your faith… your life in His hands. He knows you better than anyone. He knows your pain and He wants you to come to Him for healing… for comfort and peace. I speak from experience… He will bring peace beyond understanding. And He offers life saving grace. Run to Him. Acts 20:21 says it’s not hard to receive that life saving grace… “repentance toward God and faith toward our Lord Jesus Christ.” You just have to be sorry for being a sinner… because we all are… and have faith that Jesus is who He says He is (God) and that He did what the Bible says He did (was crucified, buried, rose from the dead)… and desire to make Him Lord over your life. Like I said, run to Him. He wants to take your burdens and in return give you peace… and rest.
May 15 marked 6 months ago that Aaden went to be with Jesus. I wanted to share with you some of my journal entries over the past 6 months… I want you to know that God answers prayers; that He is so very faithful.
“…Lord, I am at a loss for words. My heart aches at our loss and yet I am hopeful of your glorious plan. Your ways indeed are not my ways… they are better… thank you for your grace… that it is sweeter than ever… I pray that you will cover me with unbelievable strength and power… steady and still my oh so anxious heart…”
“…Thank you for your grace that heals and supplies strength…. I pray for my family Lord… that you will heal us and make us whole again…”
“Oh Lord build and plant us (see Jeremiah 31:28) Lord I pray that you will make us new… make us stronger for your name. Let you alone be glorified…”
“I need more of You… be my Comfort in this moment… heal my brokenheart Lord.”
“I pray for Aaron… heal his heart God… give him more of you, more faith, more power, more love, more patience… fill him to the fullest Lord…”
“Protect me God from the lies of the enemy… I hear them so very loud this morning. Lord I pray that in the place of fear that you will supply abundant joy… your grace surely is enough Lord and I can’t live without it…”
I can look at the past 6 months and know without a doubt that God never left me alone. My pain has felt unbearable and unfair… and I know God was there for every breakdown, every moment of joy, every panic attack, every tear, every laugh…
I will end with the lyrics from “Times” by Tenth Avenue North… these words say it all.
I know I need you, I need to love you
I love to see you, and its been so long
I long to feel you, I feel this need for you
and I need to hear you. Is that so wrong?
Now you pulled me near you
When we’re close I fear you
Still I’m afraid to tell you all that i’ve done
Are you done forgiving? Or can you look pass my pretending?
Lord I’m so tired of defending what I’ve become
What have I become?
I hear you say “my love is over,
its underneath, its inside, its in between
the times you doubt me, when you can’t feel
the times that you’ve questioned ‘is this for real?’
the times you’ve broken, the times that you mend
the times you hate me and the times that you bend
well my love is over, its underneath
its inside, its in between,
these times you’re healing
and when your heart breaks
the times that you feel like you’ve fallen from grace
the times you’re hurting
the times that you heal
the times you go hungry and attempted to steal
in times of confusion and chaos and pain
im there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
im there through your heartache
im there in the storm
my love i will keep you by my power alone
i dont care where you’ve fallen, where you have been
i’ll never forsake you
my love never ends, it never ends