Today, little Aaden would have been 21 months old.
Who even thinks about that kind of milestone?
The 8th and 15th of every month are still a reminder of my son who is not here with me.
This past week I overheard someone telling another person that we have two boys. And I wanted so badly to scream ‘No, actually we have 3 boys…’ but I politely smiled and held my tongue. It wasn’t really the time or the place… I am sure you can imagine how a response such as that might make one feel a little awkward.
As you may know, maybe because I have mentioned it about a million times… grieving is a process. And I am coming to realize that it isn’t a process that will ever be completely finished. Especially when it comes to losing a child… there will always be a moment when you find yourself wishing that your little one was right there with you… or a milestone you wish you could see them make. For me I am struck with that knot in my throat when I realize that a child is the same age that Aaden would be… I feel so guilty when I have forgotten how old he would have been and then realize that the crazy little girl jumping into the pool almost shares a birthday with him… he would be jumping into the pool?! In my mind he will forever be the most beautiful, perfect little baby… and it is gut wrenching when I realize what I am missing out on.
This past weekend we celebrated 4th of July… we had the most amazing day and that evening we went out into the country to a county fair type 4th of July celebration (insert ‘sparklebration’… hilarious, I know). It was absolutely perfect. Aaron helped Andrew play mini-golf and go on moon bounces and play with glow in the dark necklaces… while Asher smiled, talked, and giggled I thought to myself what a perfect night. But especially on those perfect nights, I miss having my second born son with us. There will always be a hole in our family and that does still make my heart ache…
On Saturday, I had the boys and we were running errands. I had a few orders to ship out so we stopped at the post office. I have formed a great relationship with the postal worker there, as I see her multiple times a week these days. When we first moved here I remember telling her we had two boys, but left it at that… and then she watched me grow while I was pregnant with Asher and she would always make comments about how crazy my life must be… having 3 boys under the age of 3. I would nod and smile… allowing her to believe what I wish were true. So, on Saturday it was the first time I had run in with both Andrew and Asher. It didn’t even cross my mind that she would ask where the other brother was… I had to tell her the truth, ‘Well, our second son passed away shortly after he was born…’ Ah.
The pain that is our story. And God is reminding me that I am to glorify Him no matter the circumstances or the situation. He is deserving. So, in those situations, God gives me strength I did not know I had and reminds me of the joy deep within… He brings a smile to my face. Who else has the power to make a mother smile when she is telling another how her son is no longer with her?
So, the past few days have been hard for whatever reason… but as always God is faithful to provide comfort and peace.
One thing in particular that I am struggling with… on days like yesterday when I just needed to spend a few moments grieving over my son, I had no where to go. If we still lived in Virginia where Aaden’s body is buried, yesterday would have been a day when I would have driven to the cemetery. Not because I think he is there, but because I am still his mother and I need a tangible way to feel like his mother. I want to take flowers and sit and read books and have Drew color pictures that I am sure Jesus would show him… and as I weep now it is because as much as I want to do those things I can’t.
So, I need some ideas on how to reconcile this. There is nothing of Aaden here that we didn’t bring with us… does that make sense? He never visited this place, I have not one memory of him here… And while I wanted so badly to leave those memories behind when we left Virginia, I realize now how much I want those memories… places I could go that would remind me of him and his life…
The truth is I am just hurting a little extra today.
But I am sure that I am not the only one… saying an extra prayer for all those mommies who are aching to hold their little ones…
My eyes flow and do not cease, Without interruption, Till the LORD from heaven Looks down and sees. Lamentations 3:49-50
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3