I am unsure what has happened. The months following Aaden’s death and then our move to Florida can only be described as an emotional roller coaster. I thought, wrongly, that I had moved past that and yet, I find myself very broken again… almost revisiting the severe pain from the last year.
I do believe that my faith in God has only grown since Aaden’s death. I do still believe that He is in control and that He is good and that His ways are not my ways… and those ways, His will is ultimately perfect.
So, I am just a little confused as to why now my heart is aching so…
My mind keeps taking me back to the days and months immediately following his death. I keep reliving certain memories… I don’t have many and feel as though much of that time I was in a fog… everyone moving around me and me sort of watching, but not participating.
Specifically this morning as I was reading my Bible, I found myself crying. Tears softly came as I read this passage. (For the past year or so I have been reading through the Bible… the goal was to start with Genesis and read through in a year, yes it has taken a little longer than that, but I am sticking with it and should be done relatively soon.) So, this morning I am in John, reading about how Jesus’ dear friend Lazarus has died… and how Lazarus’ sisters are grieving and they question Jesus saying things like “Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died.” And you read about how Jesus wept, not because there was a loss of hope… He knew He was going to raise Lazarus from the dead, but because those He loved were hurting and in so much pain.
So, this morning I am reading and weeping. I cannot get out of my head the picture of burying my son… of that cold, windy day… how I wanted to crumble when I saw the tiny little casket but I was in so much pain that I did not even want to come close… how I stood from afar… and how for days and weeks, even now, the mother in me can only think of how his little body would be cold.
Like I said, I am unsure as to why my mind is going to that place again… why that huge knot has welled up in my throat for days now and I am on the verge of tears at any given moment.
I do know, for sure, that God allowed me to read that specific passage this morning, for many reasons… one of them being to remind me that He does care. The Lord sees this hurt and this pain… He identifies with my struggle and He is faithful, as always, to provide healing in unimaginable ways.