12 Things to Know About Grief After Pregnancy or Infant Loss
Article by Kelly Griffin.
Connect with Kelly in the Joyful Mourning Community.
Photo by Chad Madden on Unsplash
Everyone grieves differently. This might be because of different personalities, the type of loss, how the loss happened, or even other life experiences and how they have shaped our lives up until the point of the loss. Having said that, these are some things that have helped me during our anticipatory grief stage while pregnant and over the last few weeks since our son’s passing:
Know that it’s ok to cry and it’s ok to be ok. There’s often a feeling of guilt or confusion that I’m doing better than I expected, BUT, these are the very things that so many of my loved ones are praying for me. For peace, for comfort, for healing. So when those things come, I fight to remember this is the Lord answering prayers and not that I’ve just moved on. The enemy wants to steal, kill and destroy and we have to fight against that.
Time with the Lord. Right now, time with the Lord looks more like reflecting and remembering how faithful He was during our pregnancy and subsequent time with our son. I also pray a lot and invite Him into the grief. I believe He wants to be in it with me.
Recognize that my capacity is smaller right now and that’s ok. I can’t return every text in a timely manner or make phone calls.
Accept help when offered. We have a meal calendar a mile long right now and friends that have offered to do so much. Sometimes it makes me feel weak to accept the help, but I’m learning that it’s ok and it’s also a way to let other people grieve through serving us.
Stay connected to people. I’m an extrovert so this is easier for me but friends have been a lifeline for me. I try to return texts to at least my closest circle of friends. I try to balance talking about my son and my pain with other random stuff and still take an interest in others. No one expects that at this point, but it’s helpful for me to think about others because I do still genuinely care about what’s going on with them and it helps to take my mind off my constant pain.
Share with loved ones what you need them to know that would encourage you. I’ve told countless friends that them sending me Scripture really blesses me and have asked them to send it to me when they think about it. I’ve also told so many people how much it means to me when they tell me how much they love my son and miss him. That makes my heart swell and gives me comfort to know others are not forgetting him.
Find some other moms that are going through loss or are just a step or two ahead. God has provided a handful of women to me that have been priceless. The ones that are ahead of me have been a great encouragement and have been able to give me hope that the pain gets easier to live with and joy is still available in life.
Learn what your triggers are. I’m still avoiding my triggers but one day I’ll need to learn to manage them. Just not today. And that’s ok.
Tears can come out of nowhere and at the most random times. That’s ok too. It just is what it is right now.
If you have older kids (I have 3), let them see your pain but remind them that God is faithful. A mantra for me right now is “mommy has a broken heart, but I’m not a broken mommy”. I’ve had beautiful talks with my kids about the pain and sadness I feel but also how thankful I am that my son is with Jesus and in a perfect, heavenly body. We thank God every night for the gift that Reeves was to us and how grateful we are that He’s safe with our Heavenly Father and experiencing indescribable joy.
Put something fun on the calendar a month or two out. I’ve found that this has helped me to have something to look forward to rather than day after day of endless grief. But I also know there will still be sadness mixed in with whatever fun thing we plan. Not ideal but that’s the reality we are in. I trust there will be joy as well.
Know that your pain is not meaningless. John Piper speaks about suffering and says “every millisecond of your pain, from the fallen nature or fallen man, every millisecond of your misery in the path of obedience, is producing a peculiar glory you will get because of that....it’s not meaningless. It is working for you an eternal weight of glory. Therefore, do NOT lose heart.” I think about this often. While I would not choose this pain, to know that God is building up a reward in heaven for me for the suffering I’ve endured in losing my son causes me to praise Him. In light of eternity, my life is only a speck longer than Reeves’ was. And one day we will be reunited in glory, forever.
two helpful RESOURCES FOR understanding grief
Understanding Grief
A conversation with a counselor
Understanding Grief
a free pdf workbook to help you understand the grief you are experiencing.
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