10 Do's & Don'ts How to Love a Grieving Mom | Episode 094 with Ashlee Proffitt

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Episode 94

Over the next few weeks we will be sharing resources specifically about how to love a grieving friend. I even had the opportunity to interview moms who had experienced loss with their friend to ask honest questions about what it was like to navigate friendship after loss and amidst grief.

If you have ever asked the question: how do I love my grieving friend, this series of episodes and resources we will be sharing is going to be extremely helpful.

If you are a grieving mom this is going to be an incredible bank of resources that you can easily send to those you love about how they can help you in this season. To follow along with all the resources we will be adding over the next few weeks head to www.themorning.com/friendsandfamily

This episode is broken into two parts, the do’s and the don’ts of loving a mom who has experienced the loss of a baby. But first, two caveats, first, this list is not exhaustive and better viewed as a great starting point and second, every mom is unique; what might be helpful to one might not be helpful to another. So listen and learn from this episode but filter the things I share here through the knowledge that you know her better than me.

I want to begin this episode by thanking you for being here. It is not easy to love someone who is grieving -- we, as grieving moms can be difficult to love and difficult to understand and the relationship will be mostly one sided for quite some time but I will tell you this -- loving her in this season is worth it. It’s worth the tears, the prayers, the seemingly fruitless and thankless endeavors. It’s worth it because a friendship that walks through suffering together grows deep and lasting roots. And you can be 100% sure that the effort you are putting forth into loving her is helping to heal her broken heart. She may not be able to verbalize that right away but as someone who has been there I can promise you that you are a conduit of God’s grace and healing to her in this season and that will produce forever fruit in both of you.

01. Don’t avoid her.

Listen, of course you don’t know what to do. Of course you don’t know what to say. But that is not a reason to avoid her. Avoiding her just adds immeasurable hurt to her already broken heart. And yes, she notices when she’s avoided. She already feels like an outsider, like she no longer fits in -- don’t add to that hurt by avoiding her; when you do that it just confirms what she already believes to be true, that she isn’t welcome, that she makes you too uncomfortable, that her brokenness is too much for you. So instead of avoiding, do this instead: show up. Be present. Be available. Sit with her. Call. Text. And do those things often.

Remember, it’s ok if you don’t know what to say or what to do. I know that just being present, just showing up, just sending the text or leaving a voicemail feels vastly insufficient. I know you want to heal what has been broken. I know you want to say the perfect thing or do a grand gesture that takes the pain away. But, as a grieving mom I can tell you, nothing you could ever say or do will fix this. No grand gesture will bring our baby back. We know that. We don’t expect that of you. But what is genuinely helpful to a grieving mom is the person who is willing to sit in the mess of it and to sit there often. There were moments when a text got me through the next hour -- knowing someone was praying for me helped me through the next minute. It feels not enough for you the friend, but for the grieving mom your simply showing up is a lifeline. If you needed more convincing, a member from The Joyful Mourning Community Mary Cate Stamm said this: “Awkward or hurtful things from a loved one is far better than silence and loneliness.” So yes, don’t avoid her. She needs you.

P.S. One more thought about this, even if she says “i’m fine” or “you don’t have to” -- show up anyway. Keep calling anyway. She doesn’t want to burden you but she still needs you to keep showing up. Andy Lind said it this way: “Let her know you are with her and won’t waiver. You may feel annoying and overbearing but from a mom who has been there; those few that continued to show up were often the only beams of light some days. And while I always knew they were amazing women and friends beforehand (and an incredible mother too); their commitment to showing up for me (even when I pushed back and away) has taught me so much about the depth of love, the quality of relationships, and the meaning of our time here.” I hope those words from other mom’s encourage you to show up and keep showing up. It’s worth it. I promise.

02. Don’t be afraid to talk about her baby.

I know you’re thinking ‘I don’t want to make her sad. She seems ok right now. I don’t want to bring up the pain.’ Here’s the reality -- a grieving mom is never not thinking about her baby. And yes she might cry when you bring it up but here’s the thing you will not make her more sad by asking -- in fact, you will bring her heart a lot of joy by giving her the space and the freedom to talk about her baby. A grieving mom really struggles with wanting to talk about her baby but not feeling the freedom to do so; never wanting the other person to feel uncomfortable, never knowing if it’s acceptable to bring up so by giving her an opportunity to talk about her baby you are loving her in one of the most profound ways possible.

Things you can say: "What was he or she like?" "What were some of your favorite things about her?" Use the baby's name. One of our community members said this: “I loved when people would tell me they couldn’t wait to meet my daughter! Or I’m so excited to meet her in heaven one day. It truly made this time feel temporary.”

Remember how much thought and intention and hope goes into naming a baby. Her baby’s name is incredibly precious to her. So say her baby’s name. A simple “I miss (insert baby’s name) too” will mean more than you could ever know to this mama.

03. Don’t be afraid of her grief, her sorrow or her emotions. And don’t try to fix her.

She is going to say things that feel overwhelming. Her grief is going to feel too big sometimes. Instead of offering platitudes or solutions simply so you have something to say or to feel like you have helped, instead, stay quiet. Just listen. Let her cry. Let her say hard things. Give her space to ask hard questions and don’t feel like you need to give an answer. She doesn’t want the answer, she wants the safety of your presence and permission to say the uncomfortable things.

A few things to avoid saying that are unhelpful and make her feel like her expression of grief is not welcome and like you are trying to fix her:

Don’t say: I understand or I know how you feel.
Don’t try to give answers as to why this happened.
Don’t compare her loss to anything.
Don’t ask: were you trying?
Don’t say: something must’ve been wrong.
Don’t say: You will get pregnant again, you will have another baby,

Instead say: I love you, I’m here

04. Don’t over spiritualize what she is going through.

Again, she might say things that feel big and overwhelming. Things that scare you about her trust in God and her faith. Give her the space to say the uncomfortable things. Give her the space to ask the questions. Sit with her without offering answers or solutions. She needs those truths yes, but she also needs the space to explore her faith and this new reality. For a mom who is grieving this may be the first time she has suffered loss and had to grapple with the reality that this God that she loves has allowed death in. She might be angry with Him. Reading her Bible right now might be very difficult. Praying may feel impossible. So instead of offering answers or even Biblical truths, instead pray for her right now. Trust that you don’t need to save her, that God has her. That He loves her even more than you do so you can feel the freedom to not fix her relationship with God or restore her faith in Him. He will do that in due time. Instead pray for her. Give bible verse cards or text bible verses about God’s love for her and His nearness and tell her you know those things might be hard for her to believe right now → acknowledging that will give her so much freedom if she is wrestling in her faith!

A few things to avoid saying and while some are true they are not helpful right now; things like:

God is in control
Everything happens for a reason
Your baby is in a better place
God must have needed them.
You should read your bible.
You should pray more.
You just need to trust God and what He is doing.

Instead pray for her. Pray for her faith in God to be restored. For her knowledge of His love for her to increase and deepen.

05. Don’t forget.

One of the most important and valuable ways you can love a grieving mom is by remembering. Put the due dates, birthdays, anniversaries in your calendar. Set reminders. She knows the dates are coming long before they arrive. She will never forget. Love her by remembering with her. Send her a card or a text or a gift. It really doesn’t matter how you choose to show up on those days as long as you do. But in order to show up you have to remember. Again, this doesn’t have to be complicated, simply remembering will mean so much to her.

06. Don’t ask her what she needs.

Asking the ‘how are you’ or ‘how can I help’ questions can be incredibly overwhelming to a grieving mom. She really just doesn’t know what she needs or what would be helpful and on top of that she hates that she is a burden to you and she hates why she is needing your help in the first place. It also puts the owness back on her so instead of being helpful it ends up being overwhelming. So instead of asking her what she needs or how you can help, instead I recommend either just showing up and doing something or give her choices. If you just show up and choose to do something, ask yourself what you would like if you were in a situation like this. What would you want? What would be helpful to you? That’s a great place to start. Another helpful thing is to give her choices like “do you want to go for a walk or go get coffee?”, “do you want me to come clean your house? “Can I take you out to lunch or bring you takeout today?” “Can I come pickup your other kids so you can take a nap?” Just offering to do specific practical things will be meaningful and take the owness off of her -- it also communicates that you have done the work for her in figuring out what would be meaningful. And I’ll keep saying it, the ways you show up don’t have to be complicated. The simplest acts are often the most helpful. It really is the consistent showing up and remembering that matters.

07. Don’t place expectations on her.

Every person grieves differently. Every single loss is different. Don’t put expectations on her for how her grief should look. How far along you think she should be. How she should be acting or not acting. How she should be spending their time or not. What her emotions should look like or not look like.

I recently had a conversation with someone who was telling me about a friend who had just lost her baby boy. The conversation was incredibly disheartening for me, as a mom who has buried a son, to hear. Things like “she really is not doing well, did you see the photo she posted while holding her baby’s ashes and did you see what she wrote on facebook… or she goes to his grave every day and brings her living children I just don’t think that’s a good idea.” — I think underneath the things that were being said was genuine concern over their friend BUT there was a very serious lack of understanding that grief looks different in every one. And there was an obvious underlying expectation for what this mom’s grief should look like and what was ok or not ok even if it was unconscious or unintentional it was still there.

So, do you best to remove any expectations about what her grief journey should look like. She might do things that feel awkward or uncomfortable for you but that’s grief; in it’s very nature it's awkward and uncomfortable.

Instead of having expectations simply trust the process. Affirm her. Tell her you admire the way she is mothering her baby. Ask her what feels hard about grief so you can begin to understand a little better how she is processing through her loss.

08. Don't assume someone else is reaching out and loving her.

This is so important. Never ever assume that someone else is doing the work. In fact as I interviewed several moms and their friends recently one thing I heard over and over again was this sentiment -- don’t assume someone else is loving on her. If everyone assumes someone else is reaching out then no one will. Instead always reach out. If you know she has several close friends, maybe communicate with one of them or start a group conversation about how to best love on her in this season. That way everyone is on the same page about her needs and ways you can help.

09. Don’t get offended.

She will likely not be the greatest friend to you in this season. She probably won’t respond in the ways she previously did or the ways you expect her to. She might not say thank you. She might forget your birthday. She might not ask you how you are doing for a time. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you or isn’t grateful or doesn’t care about all the things going on in your life. It just means that for a time she just doesn’t have the capacity - mentally and emotionally. But like I said at the very beginning, you are planting deep roots and there will be a day when she will ask you how you are doing and really want to hear and have the capacity to really listen and offer wisdom. There will be a day when she tearfully thanks you for all the ways you reached out and loved on her during the hardest season of her life. The investment you are making now is a worthy one that will have long lasting effects in the best of ways.

10. Don’t underestimate your role in her healing.

What you are doing matters. The role of a friend to a grieving mother is absolutely invaluable. God is using you in the most powerful ways to remind her that she is loved and not forgotten, and to the grieving mother that matters more than you could ever truly realize. I remember a conversation with Natalie Young from episode 35 about a particularly difficult day she was having after losing her daughter Paisley. She shared with me how utterly lonely and forgotten she felt that day and as she was praying, a friend arrived to her home with a potted plant in hand and said “i was just thinking about you today and i wanted you to know” -- Natalie said in that moment she had never felt so loved by God before. He had heard her prayers and answered loudly with an “I see you! I love you!” and He did that through a friend who took the initiative to show up. I’m sure Natalie’s friend felt silly showing up with a potted plant that day, asking herself what in the world is a potted plant going to do to fix this brokenness and yet to Natalie it was the sweetest and most powerful gift ever. An actual tangible answer to prayer. So never underestimate the role you can and will play in your friend’s healing journey. You could be the answer to her prayer today just by showing up or reaching out.

IN CLOSING

With all of that being said I want to remind you about what I mentioned at the very beginning of the episode. First, this list is not exhaustive and probably more importantly is that every mom is unique; what might be helpful to one might not be helpful to another. Feel the freedom to ask her questions like “would this be meaningful to you?” or “I listened to this podcast about how to love my grieving friend and she said this but is that true for you?” and let her answer honestly. I know for sure that she would immediately feel loved just by knowing that you were trying to learn, but asking her directly may be really helpful to you understanding how she is processing and what she needs and it will be helpful to her as she knows she’s cared for in this season. And again, you know her better than me so take what was helpful here and forget the rest.

I cannot emphasize enough how grateful I am for you and the role you are playing in your friend’s life. Thank you for caring so much.