A Reminder of Hope For The New Year After Pregnancy or Infant Loss | Episode 102 with Ashlee Proffitt

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Episode 102

You made it through the holidays — I am so proud of you. I wish I could give you a hug and look you in the eyes and say “You did it. You made it through the toughest season a grieving mother has to walk through.”

Now that you have walked through Thanksgiving and Christmas and are about to enter a New Year — how are you? Really? If we were having coffee today what would tell me? What would you say about how you are feeling as we wrap up one year and embark on a new year? What feels hard right now? Is there anything that is bringing you joy? What do you want to leave in 2020 and what do you want to bring with you in 2021? How have you changed this year? And what ways do you want to change in the coming year? What memories will you carry with you? What would you do differently next holiday season? What traditions do you want to continue?

As a friend I would love to encourage you to spend some time today, just a few minutes, writing out your thoughts to those questions. Reflecting on this moment and this holiday season and even the year as a whole. Use the guide linked below if that’s helpful. But a blank piece of paper or even the back of a napkin or the notes app in your phone will do just fine.

The purpose of writing out your thoughts is not to come up with perfect words but to get all that’s in your head out -- to remember things you don’t want to forget; to reflect, to pause, to ponder, and to process.

You have been through so much this year, you deserve a few minutes to sit in it, reflect on it, learn from it -- before diving into a new year.

Because you are not the same person that entered 2020.

And while you may feel broken, limping or crawling into this new year; completely overwhelmed by the amount of goal setting and dreaming and planning you see happening across the interwebs — hear me when I say, God is not done with you. Your story is not over. He is working in you something good. For His glory.

And while the world is putting a lot of hope in a new year to fix all that feels hard right now, let me let you in on a little secret — all that is broken will not magically be fixed by the flip of a calendar.

Only God is in the business of redemption. We put our hope in Him and Him alone. Not in our dreams or plans or goals. Not in our ability to make said dreams or plans or goals happen. Not in how we feel. Not in our strength or capacity. But in Him. His strength is made perfect in our weakness. In our utter dependence in Him and on Him. That is such good news for those of us who feel weak today, whose capacity is limited, for those who can’t think beyond the next minute much less planning an entire year, for all of us limping or crawling our way into a New Year. We don’t have to feel behind or overwhelmed -- we can sit in the tension of knowing that this moment might hurt but trusting that one day it won’t hurt as badly. Trusting that God heals and He strengthens. And that His working in us and through us is solely dependent on Him and not on our own ability -- I can’t think of better news for a broken, grieving mama.

I want to acknowledge too that while the rest of the world may be anticipating a New Year with more excitement and zeal than ever before — for many of us, we might not be ready to say goodbye to this year quite yet. Because maybe for you this year held your baby. 2020 may have been the year where you experienced the joy of a positive pregnancy test or the excitement of a wiggly baby on an ultrasound screen, maybe 2020 was the year you heard the cries as your baby entered the world, it may have held middle of the night feedings and snuggles and that newborn smell. 2020 may represent the year your baby was full of life -- no matter how many days they lived and to move into a new year may feel like you are leaving them behind. Moving on.

If you are feeling that way, to you dear mama hear me say — I understand. To the world 2020 may be a year they want to forget but to you it holds your baby. To you 2020 will forever be a year that is tender, full of love and grief, a dance of joy and sorrow. It probably hurts to hear so many brushing off this year when for you it holds so much meaning. Hear me say this, even if everyone around you writes off 2020, it does not make it any less real or valuable or momentous to you.

And hear this too: your baby will never be forgotten.

A new year can not erase your baby. And while there may be moments you long to forget because they just hurt so badly — your baby will be remembered.

You will never move into a new year and not bring him or her with you. You will forever be his or her mother.

A flip of the calendar will not ever change that.

Time does not heal in the sense that everything will be made right. But time does heal in that it becomes a little easier to breathe with each day that passes. You will find new normals in 2021. You will find strength you didn’t know you had. You will make new memories. You will carry on precious traditions. You will honor your baby and cherish being his or her mother. God will meet you in 2021 just like He met you every single day of 2020.

Isaiah 43:16, 18-19 says this:

This is what the Lord says—
    he who made a way through the sea,
    a path through the mighty waters,
“Forget the former things;
    do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland.

This passage that you might see over and over as friends and family ring in the New Year might feel like a slap in the face — “forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.” Is God saying forget this past year and your baby and the memories of your baby and all the good we did see there?

Of course not.

In fact all throughout Scripture we see God instruct His people to “remember” over and over again we see this command to remind ourselves of what God has done, of who He is and what He has rescued us from.

So what does He mean by “forget the former things”?

This verse is reminding us of the time that God delivered the Israelites from the Egyptians, He provided a way out when there was seemingly no way out, He made a way where there was absolutely no way. And I think that this verse is telling us to call to mind that act of God’s deliverance but to not dwell on it as if that was God’s only act of salvation — as if He can no longer rescue.

One commentary I read said it this way: “Deliverances of the nation of Israel in the past will pale into insignificance in comparison with the future deliverance the Lord will give His people.” (John MacArthur Study Bible)

And hasn’t He done that through His Son Jesus. A deliverance that makes past rescues pale into insignificance in comparison to what Jesus offers us.

It may feel like God is distant or not working or that He doesn’t care. But Jesus shows us otherwise. His life, His death and His resurrection prove His deep longing for us to be reconciled to Him. His deep love for us that is beyond our understanding.

The original exodus that this passage in Isaiah 43 is referring to did not exhaust God’s power and in this passage we see God saying “Where there is no clear path forward, God creates one. Where there is no sign of relief or refreshment, God provides it for us.”

So when we hear “forget the former things, do not dwell on the past” we can think “God isn’t done yet. He’s still working. He’s still bringing about redemption. He’s still healing my heart. He’s doing the thing that feels impossible even right now.” Remember what He has done and remember that He promises to make a way when there isn’t a way and provide relief and refreshment and restoration even when it feels impossible. He’s making a way in the wilderness and streams in the desert, friend.

I’m so grateful for that truth that we can carry into 2021. That God sees you. That He cares. That He loves you. That’s He’s working. That His love and care for you are not dependent on what you have to offer, not on your ability to show up and muster up the faith, not on your strength or capacity. His love for you is dependent solely on the work that Jesus did on the cross. For more information about this message of hope click here. If you are new to this faith or curious about Jesus and the Bible this would be a great place for you to start.

In a very general sense and the most important sense we know what God is going to be up to in 2021. He will be the same God tomorrow as He was today. He will continue to bring light into dark places. He will continue to rescue and restore people to Himself. When we pass through the waters He will be there. When we walk the fire, He will not let us be burned. He will be the same God who will continue to love you, in the words of Sally Lloyd Jones, with a “never stopping, never giving up, unbreaking, always and forever kind of a love.”

As for us at The Morning, as we move into a new year, here is what you can expect from us. We will continue to be a space of joy and hope for those who are grieving the loss of a baby. We will continue to provide the most helpful resources for navigating life after loss. We will continue to provide community for those who feel alone in this grief journey. And we are working hard behind the scenes to make that space better than ever. We want to be a place where you can ask difficult questions and feel the freedom to speak freely about how you are doing. We want to be a place where you come to find stories of true hope. We want to be a place where you come when it all just feels too heavy. We want to be a place that is marked by hope and joy even through the most difficult of circumstances. Here on the podcast you will continue to hear stories of women navigating this journey so you can be reminded that you aren’t alone. And we will do our best to point your heart to truth in every single episode so that you might find true hope and true joy even amidst the mourning.

The Morning exists to provide community and resources of hope for women finding joy after the loss of a baby — that has been our mission from the beginning and we will carry it through into this next year.

And just like I tell you every week, I leave you with this: friend, you are not alone in your grief and you are more loved than you could ever imagine. Here this reminder from Isaiah 43: 1-4

But now, this is what the Lord says—
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
    I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
    I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
    and because I love you,