What is Motherhood After Loss | Q&A with Shanae Thompson
A SPECIAL SERIES ABOUT WHAT MOTHERHOOD MEANS TO THE MOM WHO HAS EXPERIENCED PREGNANCY OR INFANT LOSS.
Tell us about your loss
During a follow-up anatomy scan, a number of issues were detected in our daughter, our second child. We opted to get genetic testing, which revealed her Trisomy 18 diagnosis. I was induced at 35.4 weeks due to extremely severe amniotic fluid levels, which was creating a high risk for both of us with continuing the pregnancy.
Eloise Rose ended up being born via a cesarean, which we became confident was our only possibility at being able to meet her alive. There was great uncertainty about hers being a live birth, so waiting and then hearing her cries were the most emotionally potent moments of our lives. Eloise fought to be born alive and fought to stay with us for three beautiful, love-filled days before she passed from my arms and into the arms of our Savior.
What surprised you about grief?
I have been surprised, almost two months since losing Eloise, how the grief gets increasingly harder and heavier to carry. I think there is a definite grace in being eased into the full grief, as we felt ourselves be. It has also been hard to continually feel the weight grow, especially as it coincides with the expressed support of others quickly subside.
What does motherhood mean to you?
Motherhood to me means loving and stewarding the children entrusted to me by the Lord as best I can, whether that is their earthly body or their legacy. Motherhood is a continual process of submitting my children to the Lord and entrusting Him with their ultimate wellbeing.
How has grief impacted your everyday life?
Grief has caused my capacity for handling other life issues or everyday annoyances to feel quite stretched. I feel my patience being tried much more quickly. Grief demands far more time than I can give it, which creates internal tension.
How has your loss shaped your motherhood?
Motherhood is now less straightforward and obvious for me, as far as others are concerned. I am still the mother of two children and ever learning how to best parent them, but one of my children is living and far more visible and my other child is dead, less visible, and just as closely on my mind and heart. My loss has greatly helped me slow down and focus on enjoying moments more with my son and husband. It feels much easier now to see and focus on what really matters the most and to push other matters to the side. I also have a far greater understanding and empathy for a wide scope of experiences that mothers and women face, even if they are different from my own experiences.
What challenges do you find in being a mom?
I find it hard to have grace for myself oftentimes. It is much easier to extend it toward others than it is to embrace for myself. On a very practical level, I find physically keeping up with my toddler quite difficult due to an extra-long postpartum recovery time.
What are some joys you experience in motherhood?
I love having the privilege of loving both of my children as only a mama can. The deep love I have for my children and the joys I receive back are unique to my mama's heart. I treasure watching my son learn and delight in life, as well as continually learning and having my faith challenged and strengthened by both of my children.
What does being a mom teach you about yourself?
Being a mom continually reveals to me my need for a Savior and His refining, redeeming work in my life. Motherhood is one of the most humbling undertakings, as it brings fully to light my selfishness, fears, and numerous other struggles. I am not nearly as strong and independent as my natural self would like to be.
What does being a mom teach you about God?
Being a mom teaches me many things about God's heart. In my mothering, I am often challenged to think about how God might respond to a situation, or I come to better understand His grace, patience, and love toward me, His child. As I continually better grasp the depth of my love for my children and what I would do for them, I more clearly understand the extent of God's love and His character.
What encouragement do you have for other moms in the thick of motherhood and grief?
Hold tight to and keep closely in mind the hope of Jesus Christ for your children and for yourself. Have heaps of grace for yourself and for others. It is hard to pour into others, especially the mothering of your children, if you are not being filled yourself. Regularly fill yourself with the truths of Scripture to strengthen and guide you in both your mothering and your grief. Finally, in it all, we are not alone though it can often feel that way.
