A Real Grieving Couple's Thoughts on Marriage & Supporting a Grieving Dad after Pregnancy or Infant Loss
by Melody & David Joseph
A Note from The Morning: We often get questions from our community about how to support a grieving dad or how to navigate a marriage or relationship after loss. Grieving together can be one of the hardest things to do following a pregnancy or infant loss. So we decided we’d ask a real couple who is navigating the loss of their son together what their perspective is on grieving together and on supporting a grieving dad following the loss of a baby. Here’s what they had to say –
What are some things that surprised you as you grieved alongside your spouse? What was helpful?
Melody: What I learned on this journey with my husband is that some days we have different needs and others we have similar needs. In the very beginning we went through similar phases of shock, denial, not knowing what to feel, and sadness. As weeks and months passed, we started to have different needs in our grief. I would be emotional one day, and he wouldn’t. The next he would, but I wouldn’t. It has been different every day. I had to learn that I might want to talk through things and my emotions more than he did. He was always willing to listen. We grew to ask one another what we needed that day or how we were doing. We also grew in our time together in prayer because we knew we needed it more than ever. It also hurt to see each other grieving. Days that I would see my husband break down broke my heart. I wanted to take the pain away, but I knew I was going through it too and it was going to hurt.
One thing that surprised me and that I learned about my husband through this process was the connection of other loss to our pain from losing our babies. There were other things we have had to say goodbye to. Each time he had to say goodbye to something or someone, it felt as though the loss was happening all over in that moment. It was very helpful for me to learn this so that we could talk through it together and understand how we each felt. Now, as we grow closer to God, we grow closer together.
David: This is a tricky question for me because, even though I’m not sure the word surprised fits, the entire journey could be described as surprising. We weren’t expecting any of this. It surprised me how bad this pain could feel. It was pain I’ve never felt before. It was surprising to me how hard it was to see my wife go through the pain of labor, knowing the joyous moment most parents experience afterwards wasn’t going to happen. It was pain followed by greater pain giving birth to our stillborn son. It was surprising how peace and joy could (and even had to) coexist with the indescribable pain we were both experiencing. It helped to realize that we both experienced these emotions at different times, so we were, and are, able to support each other through them.
What would you say to someone who is fresh on their grief journey about how to care for the grieving dad in their life?
Melody: Lovingly give him space. Give him grace. He is hurting just as much as you. His needs might be different than yours and you will need to say what is helpful and what is not. It’s okay to ask each other directly what you need. We can’t read each other’s minds. What helps them might look different. They might want to be alone or not talk about their emotions that much. They may show it in other ways, or they may be more open about it. Give each other permission to grieve the way you both need to. Be there to listen and be there to pray together. You are stronger together than alone. Remember to give yourself grace, too. You will not be perfect on this journey. Neither of you will. There is no wrong or right way to grieve. Lastly, encourage him to do, make, or remember your child or children by something. Putting action to grieving and honoring will help in the journey of healing.
David: I think just reminding them that Dad feels the same emotions Mom does. There seems to be no shortage of support groups for moms on this journey, but I don’t see as many reach out to dads. We try to be strong and support our wives and families while feeling like there is not enough coming in. You can only keep giving support and encouragement so much until you need refreshing and a ‘shoulder to cry on’ so to speak yourself.
What would you say to friends & family members who know and love a grieving dad?
Melody: Dear friends and family, don’t forget the dads. Sometimes we see them as the provider or caregiver, but they need to be cared for right now, too. They need to know that they matter and that they lost a son or daughter they had longed to hold in their arms, be proud of, teach, hug, and watch them grow up. Their inner world stops and we need to give grace to navigate the days ahead. They need liberty to do what they need in their healing journey. They need that support from you. Always be sure to ask what they need, not what you think they need. What you think they might need, may not be what helps them at all. It means a lot when you care about both parents. We can empower others to grieve and heal on their own timeline, not ours!
David: Dads feel like they are designed and supposed to support and be the rock for their family. Realize that going through the loss of a child is Hell on earth for a dad as well and they are not superman! Make sure to check in on dads and just give them the space they need to be human, vulnerable, and be encouraged.
Author: melody & David joseph
Melody & David enjoy over 7 years of marriage with 3 babies in Heaven that they can't wait to meet. They love the great outdoors, camping with their two mini dachshunds, gardening, hunting, and hiking. They enjoy helping others with their health and wellness and believe their greatest purpose on this earth is to bring Heaven to Earth.
Connect with Authors: www.edenwellnesshealth.com
Resources for the grieving dad