Wisdom & Hope For Grieving Fathers after Two Baby Losses | Q & A with Matt Randall
Tell us about your loss.
My wife and I lost our son Leo just after birth at 24 weeks. We had learned at 19 weeks after multiple trips to the emergency room, followed by a specialist appointment and ultrasound, that our boy was not likely to survive. My wife had been diagnosed with placenta previa, and our first little boy's body had begun to show signs of struggle. After going into labor, we made it to our local hospital where we received incredible care at the hands of our OB/GYN and hospital staff.
Our strong faith and weeks of prayer had allowed us to approach that day with some level of peace, which we think surprised the staff we encountered. As they looked to gently care for us, we found ourselves laughing and sharing stories with the doctors and nurses through almost three full days of labor. While the NICU staff had prepared us for the worst, primarily that his frail body was likely not to survive intact through the birth process, our boy overcame every expectation through his journey to our world. Our doctor stayed at the hospital through the night after his on-call shift was over, the nurses rallied round us and checked in on their day off, and the bereavement support staff prepared us to say goodbye. But that Wednesday morning, our Leo came into the world as perfect as his 24-week body could be.
Leo Charles was with us for a short while before his tiny lungs weren't able to keep up with the heavy burden on this side of the womb.
While the labor was long, and his delivery was relatively normal, my wife's condition quickly worsened as a serious blood clot meant emergency surgery within a couple of hours. As they rushed her out and into the operating room, I was alone at the end of the maternity wing, in the grieving room, with my little boy's body a few feet away. It was there that I wept for the first time. I'd lost it. There were no family to be strong for, no wife to support in the room, and I cried more deeply than I probably ever have.
I remember the emotion and crying out how sorry I was that I couldn't have done more to protect him and help him live. I vividly remember praying for peace, asking God to somehow give me peace in the most pain I'd ever felt. And while I would have said that I'd trusted the promise of Philippians 4:6-7 before that day, I experienced what the Apostle Paul speaks of in a way that can't be described. In that room, alone, I was gifted the Peace of God that is beyond all understanding. It was a watershed moment in my walk with Christ and leaves me no doubt that God cares about our grief. And I believe that peace extended beyond that day as Jen recovered from emergency surgery and we began the long journey of grief that continues today.
What surprised you most about grief?
No one teaches you how to grieve. And there's a special depth of grief that comes with losing a child. I think the thing that has surprised me most about grief is that somehow, in our culture, grief is largely handled in silence. While millions of families have journeyed through the loss of a child, including many of our friends, family members and church/community members, it is still largely handled in the dark. People don't know what to say, they don't know how to support and maybe most disappointing is that many choose to remain silent as if the loss never occurred. My overwhelming feeling in this space is sadness rather than frustration or anger. This is why my wife and I have committed to be available, to listen to and support families struggling through loss.
What has marriage and grief looked like for you? What advice would you give to a grieving couple?
One of the most important things my wife and I committed to was the practice of praying together after we learned we were likely to lose our Leo. We did not, and still don't, have a perfect faith or a perfect marriage, but the growth of those relationships have kept us moving forward more often than not in our grief.
We spent time failing to communicate our feelings in times where grief overwhelmed us. We spent time being frustrated, and even angry, with each other when we couldn't understand each other's reactions to grief, especially in the first months after loss.
But even more important than praying together in times of pain was our commitment to one simple foundation in our marriage: We are on the same team.
Many times in those weeks and months that would follow our loss, one or both of us would struggle. We'd become frustrated, create tension, retreat from one another when we couldn't communicate that grief was hitting us. The reason we stand stronger today is because of our commitment to each other that we will always remain partners, teammates, and co-laborers through grief and whatever else the world throws at us.
The simple advice we have given parents over the years is from our own experience. No matter what, commit to each other that you're on the same team (or whatever analogy makes sense in your marriage). Maybe it's a phrase from your wedding vows or a reminder from the first days of love. And when the grief overwhelms mom or surprises dad, and the words fly (or a bottle of sunscreen at one point for us), you can be reminded of that foundational principle of your union.
Did you go back to work after your loss? what was that like for you?
I went back to work about a week after losing Leo. It was too soon, but I didn't know any better.
Work was simple until that first interaction with the work acquaintance that only knew you were pregnant. I was in the basement of the building, near the "snack shack" where people would come to grab snacks, lunch or a random Mt. Dew when the day got too long. That guy...the super friendly one that knew we were pregnant but wasn't in the circle to know of our loss. It was something like, "Hey, how's it going, Matt? You guys are getting pretty close, right? I heard a baby boy?" I remember pausing for a second and responding instinctually with, "Yeah, he was actually born last week, and we lost him right after birth." The look of dread on his face was a combination of guilt and regret for asking the question. I was confident and was positive in my response, and I assured him it was a perfect question. It was actually relieving for me to tell at least a small part of Leo's story, how he was a blessing to our family. What began as an awkward interaction in the basement at work ended up being the catalyst to becoming comfortable sharing our little boy's story and helping other families as they grieve.
For any dad going back to work: Take every minute that your workplace will allow you to take. And if your workplace doesn't have a healthy paternity policy, fight for one. Spend that time as parents and begin to find a rhythm of communicating with each other. It's a long road, and you'll never regret spending extra time in those first few weeks with each other.
What resources have been the most encouraging or helpful to you amidst your grief?
We benefitted early in our journey from the support groups available at our local hospital and from the people we met along the way. The funeral home we were connected to was incredibly gracious and supportive. Nine years later, we still have a relationship with the funeral directors who handled our Leo's cremation. In the last few years, my wife has begun serving as a leader in a nonprofit that supports mothers and families experiencing high risk pregnancies and loss. The relationships she's forged there have been a source of encouragement as well.
Are there any books, bible studies or bible verses that have been a source of encouragement or comfort?
The most valuable encouragement to me was in Paul's words in Philippians 4:6-7. Fully trusting in the promise of God's peace has been a pivotal commitment in our journey.
What was the most meaningful thing done for you amidst loss? ?
For me, when those around me recognized that I was a dad by saying Leo's name, even after we'd lost him, it was encouraging. My closest friends and family rarely knew what to say, so they checked in. They invited us to dinner, brought dinner to us, and simply offered to spend time with us. I had some friends offer to help me with projects around the house. It allowed me to stay close to home but shift my mind toward something productive for a while.
What advice would you give to someone who loves a grieving dad?
Offer to be present, be patient, provide the comfortable space to allow him to talk and be willing to hear whatever is on his mind. Don't push, but keep the door open to how the loss is affecting him.
What is one family tradition that you have established to remember & celebrate your baby?
Leo Day is November 2nd of every year. A year and a half later, after successful surgery and a healthy pregnancy, we had Graham. Graham is now 8, and every year, our entire family takes the day off to celebrate Leo's birthday as a birthday celebration. We plan family fun throughout the day with cupcakes, etc., but one component is a visit to the park where we were married. We always take a moment to pray as a family and thank God for Leo and wish him a heavenly birthday. In late 2020, after having all of our family travel plans cancelled due to Covid, we took our first-ever trip to Disney World. They actually allowed us to celebrate it as a family birthday after hearing of our story. Coolest trip ever. Of course, Leo Day means Graham will never win a perfect attendance at school, but our family is ok with that. Another family tradition is that we incorporate lions into family photos and our home as reminders of Graham's big brother Leo.
What encouragement would you give to another dad who is grieving?
As men, we are sometimes built to focus on the next thing in front of us. When loss happens, there is no next thing. There is actually a loss of all of the dreams and things you'd planned to do with your child. It's ok to grieve those things. And while not every man is built with a inner desire to fix things, I was one of those guys, too. And it's excruciating to know that when we lose our child, we can't fix it. We can't make the pain go away or distract away from the real and natural process of grieving. So if my experience has taught me anything, I'd share with you to take your time.
Grief is a journey, and there will be ups and downs as you learn to navigate that grief together. Support each other, communicate the best you can, give grace and watch how God will use your journey to make you stronger. And if you're in it long enough, God will use you to bring peace to others who might go down the road you're on.
Take heart, dad. You're going to be alright.
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