On the morning of November 15, 2008 I left a hospital with empty arms. Breasts swollen with milk to feed a newborn, a tummy still swollen from just having carried him for 9 months, a car seat and a diaper bag, a dryer full of little baby sleepers and onesies, a soft baby blue blanket that matched his big brothers and the sweetest little cradle. Everything around me pointed to a living baby and while my mind knew that he was gone, my heart was numb. Confused. Overwhelmed.
I still remember everyone weeping around me but there were moments following my son’s death when I was unable to muster up the tears. Did I not love my son? What was wrong with me that I wasn’t able to weep for him?
Maybe you have experienced the same and I wanted to encourage you with this thought from Charles Spurgeon:
There are times when we cannot cry at all, and then He cries in us. There are seasons when doubts and fears abound, and so suffocate us with their fumes that we cannot even raise a cry, and then the indwelling Spirit represents us, and speaks for us, and makes intercession for us, crying in our name.”
The loss of my son was absolutely suffocating, and so overwhelming that the mere thought of this new reality sent me spiraling into a state of numb shock. I couldn’t even cry. It wasn’t that I didn’t love my son, it was that my heart couldn’t handle the loss in that moment. I love this encouragement from Spurgeon because it brings with it a reminder of truth that takes away any feelings of shame or guilt when the tears seem far away (or when praying to God or crying out to Him feels impossible) — the truth that even in those moments when we cannot even raise a cry for help, when we cannot even muster the strength to call out for God, the Spirit living inside of us is praying for us, calling out to God on our behalf.
Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought,
but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.
And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit,
because theSpirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.
What an amazing reminder that you are truly never alone in your grief. Even when you cannot feel Him or see Him working and even when you can’t or don’t want to pray to Him, He is praying for you. Because He loves you. (Cast all your cares on him, because he cares for you.1 Peter 5:7)