Pregnancy After Infant Loss | Q&A with Devyn Ashley

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I am honored to share an interview with Devyn Ashley about her experience with pregnancy after losing her infant daughter.

Devyn, thank you for sharing your story with us. We are so grateful.

Hi Devyn, tell us about your loss.

On New Years Day 2020, my first daughter was born by emergency cesarean after a failed induction at full-term. She was immediately gray faced and rushed to the NICU. I saw her beautiful face, her eyes, and heard her cry-one time. Later that day, she was transported to Children's Hospital after suffering multiple seizures. After multiple MRI's they discovered she lost all brain activity due to an HIE or loss of oxygen that happened sometime in utero and she was put on life support. After making the heart-crushing decision, she passed away when she was 9 days old.

What surprised you about pregnancy after loss?

The complexities of emotions and learning to hold space for both babies, both joy & grief, anxiety & hope. It's incredibly difficult to feel happiness for the new baby without guilt of the one that passed-you realize your time becomes divided and it's not all for the one that you had to say goodbye to. A lot of the feelings are common for any second time parent... but now you're a second, first-time mom.

What's one thing you wish people understood about pregnancy after loss?

That I can't just believe this one will come home unscathed. I can do all the therapy in the world but still have fear. Comments of "feel like this one will be different" or "trust in God" aren't affirming rather the toxic positivity makes me not want to share with those people. I just wish people sat in the heavy with me.

How did you know when it was the right time to try to conceive again?

I didn't. We ideally were going to wait longer but travel plans got interrupted with Covid and my arms longed for a baby.

I was obsessing counting the months until we were going to try and then counting those months until the new baby would be home.

My husband said he would be ready when I was. Soon after our positive he admitted he would never have been ready. He couldn't bear another loss.

Did you experience fear and anxiety throughout your pregnancy? If so, how did you cope with anxiety and not living in a constant state of fear throughout your pregnancy?

Prayer. I joined a virtual bible study and that really gave me a space for my grief and to connect with Jesus. It allowed me to let go of some of my anger and come back to God.

EMDR and talk therapy really made a difference. We did exercises to visualize this new pregnancy and labor as well as bringing a baby home. It's been a lot of work but well worth it.

I had a lot more appointments and was seen by both a MFM and an OB who supported me and my anxieties. Extra growth scans, weekly NST appointments and blood work and a planned earlier delivery.

What did you do practically to manage the day-to-day fear?

Self care!!! I went outside every day the weather allowed. Used aromatherapy, took bubble baths, some form of movement (walks, yoga, weights, or YouTube videos, baked goodies and allowed myself to grieve.

When I felt regular movement I let out a sigh. When I was in doubt, I came back to knowing that my baby is alive today... or until proven not. I used EFT tapping to calm me down. I also called or went in if anything came up without letting myself feel guilty.

How are you mentally preparing for labor?:

At the time of this interview my c-section is in 2 days.

EMDR as mentioned. I also planned my RCS at a new hospital with a better level NICU. I emailed the tour coordinator and mentioned my loss and that a virtual tour with 'normal pregnant' women would be hard especially knowing I was having another cesarean. They reached out and scheduled an in person tour to help me visualize the new space. They were BEYOND accommodating!

Also, I'm prepared, if I am triggered, to focus on the present. I will name 5 things I see in the room, 3 things I hear, 2 things I smell and repeat as necessary.

How are you mentally preparing to bring home a baby and the postpartum period?

I did EMDR to focus a little on this. I also have an extra OB appointment scheduled to check in on my mental health.

What are some ways you will honor and remember the baby you lost with your new baby?

We kept a lot of her things and will use them for this new baby. We will implement her big sister in her everyday life. She is very much a part of our family and always will be.

What would you say to a mom who is feeling guilt over having another baby?

It's normal and my heart is truly with you. Eventually, you'll learn to share your heart and know that you're not replacing your child. Every baby of yours matters. You are moving forward rather than moving on.

What encouragement would you give to another mom who is pregnant after loss?

I encourage you to try to bond with your new baby. To love on every kick, each day of morning sickness and know it's still okay to not be okay. You can complain when there's an ache and still not enjoy pregnancy without the guilt. You cannot jinx it.

Be your own advocate. Bother your doctors. Switch practices if you're not being heard. Do what serves you and your family.

That setting up a nursery won't hurt more if you lose your baby.

You take small steps and celebrate each bittersweet milestone.

That if this baby also passes, you know you can survive. You have before and with God and this community you can again.

What advice would you give to someone who loves someone who is pregnant after loss?

My advice would be to sit in the heavy. To bring up both babies and know it's not all rainbows even if they call it a rainbow pregnancy. It's an everyday battle. Check in and listen to this podcast!