Encouragement for Trying to Conceive and Pregnancy After Loss | One Mom’s Perspective

by Stephanie Williams

Growing our family after pregnancy and infant loss is up there with some of the hardest things I have done. After our son died after five weeks in the NICU, it took us nine months until my husband and I were both ready to start trying again.

For the most part, we have kept quiet about trying to have more kids. I didn't want to hear people's opinions about whether we were rushing or taking too long, if we were taking the right actions, and so much else. Pregnancy, especially pregnancy after loss, is a time where so many people feel justified in sharing their opinion, wanted or not, and I just wanted to hide from that for as long as I could.

If you are anything like me, there are so many emotions and fears running through your mind that at times it can almost seem easier to just give up on growing your family. Half the time, I feel guilty, like I am disrespecting my baby’s memory by trying to have another baby, especially since we wouldn’t be trying at this time if he was still alive.

Every moment of every day for the last 14 months has been filled with thoughts of pregnancy. If it's the beginning of the month, I'm analyzing every feeling to determine if I am ovulating. If it's the end of the month, I'm convincing myself that every twinge, cramp, or slight feeling of nausea is proof that I am pregnant. It's exhausting and terrifying.

We started trying to get pregnant in January 2022. In April, we were so excited to have a positive pregnancy test. From the beginning, I felt like something was wrong, but convinced myself that it was just the anxiety and fear that comes with pregnancy after loss. It was ten weeks before I unfortunately miscarried and let me tell you, those were the longest ten weeks of my life.

After over a year of trying and having experienced two losses, I am discovering the importance of giving myself space to acknowledge what I’m feeling. It’s expected that anxiety and fear go hand-in-hand with the idea of getting pregnant and I shouldn’t be ashamed of those feelings. What I do need to do is spend time with God in prayer and give Him the anxiety I am experiencing. Philippians 4:6 (ESV) tells us “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer…let your requests be made known to God.” He has never abandoned me, even as I walked through the death of my child, so I know He is right there waiting for me to lean on Him. I can “be strong and courageous…for the Lord [my] God is with [me] wherever [I] go” (Joshua 1:9 ESV).

I don’t know what God has planned for my future, but I know whatever it is, it’s the right thing. On days that I am feeling like maybe He has abandoned me or isn’t listening to me, I’m reminded of the song “Thy Will” by Hillary Scott and The Scott Family: “I know you hear me, Lord / Your plans are for me / Goodness you have in store… So thy will be done.”

I’m learning that It is also essential to set boundaries to protect myself. There are times that being around babies and pregnant women is too triggering for me; I’ve had to block pregnancy announcements on social media and politely decline attending baby showers.

There are days where I feel guilty for struggling this much. I have had to learn, and I still struggle with it, that no matter what anyone else thinks, it is important to take care of my mental health. If I need to quietly hide pregnancy and baby posts on social media, that doesn’t hurt anyone else. If I need to decline an invitation, a true friend will understand why I must.

It always amazed me how much easier it was to handle these things when the expectant couple/parents privately gave me a heads up before public announcements. For example, my cousin took me aside and let me know that he and his wife were expecting a little boy before they announced their pregnancy. Because of this one little act of kindness, I could handle their social media posts and hearing about their baby.

Not only is there no script on how to respond to the emotions surrounding growing your family after loss, it’s also unique to every person. That often made me feel even more alone. What I can tell you is that the two things that every woman who has lost children needs is God and a strong supportive community.

I have been blessed with loving friends who have been there for me every step of the way. They’ve offered to drive me to appointments, listen to me vent, and take me to happy hour when my cycle started and I could have a cocktail without concern. My wonderful friends have gotten a crash course in ovulation, fertility testing, and possible fertility treatments as I have been learning about them.

The people who have been the strongest support for me are the people that truly allowed me to express my fears. They didn't try and explain why those fears might be irrational or why I should just trust that the next pregnancy would be better. They didn't go out of their way to convince me that I was going about this the wrong way or that there was no reason to be looking into fertility issues. Instead, they sat with me in my fear, shared it with me, and showed me love. Because of those friends, I've learned that it's ok to be intentional and purposefully surround myself with supportive people.

Finding those friends, even if they are other loss moms whom you met online, is the best piece of advice I can give. Everything you are feeling is valid and should be acknowledged. The most successful way of working through those emotions is being honest with God about those emotions. He is the best friend, support, and pillar of strength that any one of us could have. If you need a reminder, hang a card with Deuteronomy 31:8 on it and daily thank God that he has promised to never leave you. Don't turn away from Him but rather run to Him in prayer and embrace all He has to offer.

Meet the Author: stephanie williams

Stephanie Bertran Williams has been married to her husband Jeremy for 7 years and they have 1 son, Calvin Luis, in heaven. They currently live in Rockville, Maryland where Stephanie teaches at the local high school. Their son Calvin was born prematurely at 23 weeks and 1 day. Against all odds and with the grace of God, Calvin lived for 5 wonderful weeks in the NICU before shedding his earthly body and becoming fully enveloped in the arms of God.

Connect with Author: Find Stephanie on Instagram: @stephaniewilliams4410

Author Email: stephaniewilliams7635@gmail.com