Five Weeks.
(Originally Posted March 27, 2010)
Today Asher is 5 weeks old.Aaden was 5 weeks old when he died.I am slightly afraid to allow myself to get too close, to be too happy... to let my heart be unguarded. I am afraid of losing something so precious again.The day we brought Asher home from the hospital I asked Aaron, 'do you think we will get to keep him?' And I keep asking that question.Last Saturday I woke up at 6:00am. I had not heard Asher since the early hours of the morning. And I panicked. There are too many memories; too much pain in that kind of wake up.You can understand why I enjoy waking up to a little cry or why I count Drew's early morning moaning (I apologize to anyone who has ever been a guest in our house...) as a wonderful blessing from the Lord. Hearing my children provides security that they are ok... that they are alive, breathing.
My life, like many others who were touched by Aaden's life and death changed forever on November 15. We would never look at life the same. Every morning I am thankful we made it through another night. Nothing is taken for granted; the poopy diapers and spit up bring me as much joy as the sweet smiles. We are grateful when we sleep but we understand when we don't... whether out of fear or a little one keeping us up.We have been incredibly blessed with another son. He is a joy and I am filled with so much love for him. But as a family there will always be a part of us missing. It is ironic that one can have so much joy and, at the same time have so much sorrow. I miss Aaden even more now... knowing Asher will only know him in pictures.
I praise God for the opportunity to be a mother again and I beg Him to let us keep him...:::
The precious blood of Jesus Christ redeems. Forgiven. I'm alive. Restored. Set free. Your majesty resides inside of me. Forever I believe, Forever I believe. Arrested by Your truth and righteousness, Your grace has overwhelmed my brokenness. Convicted by Your spirit led by Your word Your love will never fail, Your love will never fail.To Know Your Name, Hillsong United.