Grief at 17 Months.

(Originally Posted November 15, 2009)

Today Andrew informed me that he was going to teach Aaden 'how to play books and cars.' I almost asked him how he was going to do that exactly, but decided to leave it alone. I cried instead.A couple of days ago I was telling him that our friends Ace and April were going to Virginia, he of coursed asked 'Why?' and I told him to visit their mommy and daddy and brothers. I said, 'They have brothers like you have brothers." He responded with "Yeah, Asher and Aaden."I am sure it seems very strange to anyone on the outside looking in that we have taught our almost 3 year old about a brother he cannot see... that he only knows now through pictures. But to us, to Aaden's mother I am comforted that he is still thought of, remembered.Over the past few days I have realized that my heart still aches for my second son. And now that I am no longer pregnant no one is asking how many children I have. I no longer have the opportunity to tell the world that I have three boys. People just assume we have two beautiful little boys. And I understand that... I can't exactly go around wearing a shirt that says 'my son died... can I tell you about him?' But I do want to remember him and as always, I am so afraid I will forget.This past week I met with a friend, who has an amazing heart for the Lord. She was supposed to be pouring her heart out to me but instead she listened while I told her of my recent struggles... my fears of losing Asher. I realized that throughout my pregnancy and even the first weeks after Asher was born I had allowed these walls to be built around my heart... I was guarding it from the pain and loss that I was almost certain would come. However, building walls keeps God out. I desperately wanted to pray, asking God to tear down those walls, to bring me closer to Him... but that is a very scary prayer... one I didn't really want to pray.

"And you shall remember that the LORD your God led you all the way these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you and test you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not."

I was afraid of being led to the wilderness again... I was afraid of what would have to be sacrificed in order for God to "test" me and "to know what was in my heart." I gave in to my desire to know God more intimately. I prayed that He was tear down the walls. Eternity is more important than this world. My relationship with Christ is more important than my fear of pain and loss. God's will is more important than mine... though I am fully aware that I have no control. My prayer is 'Thy will be done..."No one suffered more than Jesus. And if He could pray that prayer in order to save me and to save you... then shouldn't I be willing to do the same?