What I Wish You Knew About 1st Trimester Loss | Miscarriage, Ectopic Pregnancy, Molar Pregnancy

So much of grief after pregnancy or infant loss involves being misunderstood. We recently asked our Joyful Mourning Community to share with us what they wish that others – friends, family, the medical community, etc. – understood about pregnancy or infant loss. Here are their responses. And PS: If you want to know more about how to love a friend grieving a pregnancy loss in the 1st trimester, click here & download a free guide, just for you. Thank you for loving the grieving mom in your life!

About 1st Trimester Loss:

Every story and every loss is unique. Not all types of 1st trimester loss are listed here. But these are a good starting point if you want to understand more.

The 1st trimester begins on the date of a woman’s last cycle and lasts through 12 weeks of her pregnancy. A positive pregnancy test can occur around 4 weeks. A heartbeat can be detected as early as 5 ½ weeks.
A 1st trimester loss can include a chemical pregnancy, blighted ovum, or embryonic pregnancy (a fertilized egg who never develops further), miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy (fetus develops outside the uterus), or molar pregnancy (abnormal tissue growth).
A missed miscarriage occurs when a baby has no heartbeat, but the mother’s body has not been physically miscarried. Other types of miscarriages you may hear are: threatened, inevitable, incomplete or complete.

We asked:

What do you wish other people understood about losing a baby in the 1st trimester?

They answered:

“That I still had labor, experienced contractions, had my water break & delivered my baby. I also experienced postpartum depression and hair loss alongside my physical recovery and grief.” - E.

“I wish others understood that you do have an attachment to that particular child. When you have an early pregnancy loss, it is treated as though it’s a failed attempt to have a child and not the loss of a specific person that you have already grown to love. You are also grieving the lack of opportunities for other family members to form a connection. You most likely didn’t have a name picked out or a baby shower and you feel like your baby didn’t get to be celebrated before they had to be grieved. Family and friends can be supportive to a grieving mama, but it’s so hard knowing you are the only one missing your baby because you were the only one that was able to have that connection.” - T.

“Length of pregnancy does not equate amount of grief or love for that child’s life!” - A.

“That I made plans. My child existed. And my pain isn’t any less because I never heard a heartbeat or saw them move.” - C.

“That it’s not something I will quickly get over, that all the anniversaries are super hard, and that having another baby doesn’t replace the lost one or take the pain away.” - A.

“Just because I didn’t get to spend as much time loving our baby while s/he was physically here on earth doesn’t mean I’ll heal faster. My unending love for our baby means my grief will be unending, as well. So ask the hard questions, acknowledge our baby’s precious life, even when it feels like “it has been a while”. It means so much to us.” - K.

“I wish [the medical community/my midwives] would have called it a labor - though they did do a lot to prepare me. I wish they wouldn't have called it 'products of conception' when I was asking specifically what I was experiencing... etc.” - A.

“That I’m not only grieving the loss of my child, but there are things I’ll never know about them that I’m grieving too. I never heard their heartbeat, never saw them on a sonogram, I’ll never know if they were a boy or girl…..so many little and big things that compound the grief. That makes me think that if I knew the answers to those thoughts it would somehow lighten the grief but probably not. And that although I may appear to be fine or okay, I’m not really. I’m still heartbroken.” - M.

“That I have several months that my body feels wrong. That even after my body returns to "normal" it's still WRONG until after the postpartum time after my due date and really until after I had planned to stop breastfeeding. That until then, it's something I feel in the present, not just in terms of missing my baby but also in terms of feeling physically wrong.” - A.

“That I’m grieving the loss of my kid. That I’ll hurt for a long time, not just a week or two and be “over it.”” - S.

“I wish people understood that I’m not over it just because it’s been a month since I lost my baby.” - A.

“I wish some people understood that a loss is a real loss even at 7 weeks + 5 days. I have been told why do you grieve as you haven’t been that far along to feel that sad. My baby was a real baby with a heartbeat and I am heartbroken how some people don’t get that.” - M.

“I lost two that we got to see the heartbeats and two that didn’t make it even that far, but I miss all four of my children. They weren’t just failed attempts, they are my babies.” - T.