Pregnancy After Losing Triplets | Q&A with Andrea Corcoran

Andrea-preterm-labor-multiples-triples-pregnancy-after-loss-pregnancy-loss-infant-loss-miscarriage-01.png

I am honored to share an interview with Andrea Corcoran about her experience with pregnancy after losing triplets.

Andrea, thank you for sharing your story with us. We are so grateful.

Hi Andrea, Tell us about your loss.

Fall of 2019 we found out we were expecting spontaneous triplets. We were shocked!! We have two living children at home and quickly realized how our lives were going to change. We were turning our lives upside-down in order to get ready for these 3 babies to join us. Unfortunately at 22 weeks I went into labor. All 3 of our babies were born alive but they were too young to make any interventions. They lived a couple of hours and during that time, our priest from our church baptized them and we held and loved them until they passed away. I am currently 33 weeks pregnant with our next baby.

What surprised you about pregnancy after loss?

What surprised me most is the combination of feelings-feeling grief for the babies we lost at the same time as joy for this new baby.

What's one thing you wish people understood about pregnancy after loss?

I wish people would understand that a pregnancy after loss by no means 'replaces' the baby that was previously lost. This new baby is unique and special in their own little ways and he or she should not be treated as a 'cure' or 'replacement' for it's deceased sibling. This baby should not have to live up to special expectations and should be welcomed with love and joy.

How did you know when it was the right time to try to conceive again?

I felt that I needed time to heal, both physically and mentally. I needed time for my body to heal (terrible delivery and horrible D/C a few months later) as well as time to grieve and mourn the loss of my babies. Grief is a never-ending journey, but I felt that I needed to be in a safe place along journey instead of treading water. Just as you are planning on having any baby, there is no 'perfect time', however I wanted to be both mentally and physically stable in order to have a healthy pregnancy.

Did you experience fear and anxiety throughout your pregnancy? If so, how did you cope with anxiety and not living in a constant state of fear throughout your pregnancy?

I am 33 weeks pregnant now and yes, definitely experienced fear and anxiety during pregnancy. I will admit, when I first found out I was pregnant, I was so scared that I would take a pregnancy test every couple of days just to make sure I was 'still pregnant'. I also was terrified to use the bathroom, as each time I went I was thinking I would find blood in my underwear.

I definitely recommend continuing counseling while pregnant after loss. I did extensive EMDR therapy; I had a very traumatic birth with my triplets and was struggling with anxiety and nightmares that history would repeat itself. EMDR therapy is very hard at first and it isn't for everyone but I definitely felt it brought my fear level down to where I felt it was manageable.

Also, I switched OB practices. I had previously been with my OB for 10 years but I no longer felt comfortable in her care and I didn't feel that my issues with pre-term births were being taken seriously. I found a new OB and new Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist. I urge any woman to definitely consider finding a new provider if you feel any doubt or uncertainty.

What did you do practically to manage the day-to-day fear?

Something that really helped me manage my fear and anxiety was that each morning I would set a a timer on my phone for about 2 or 3 minutes. During these minutes, I would either verbally talk about what I was fearful or upset about or I would write it down in a journal. I felt like if I gave myself a couple of minutes each day to 'get it out of my system', I could go on with my day and not have it affect me as much.

I also have a very strong faith and spent quiet time in prayer every day, asking for strength and guidance along the journey.

How are you mentally preparing for labor?

I am currently working with my therapist again and that has been very helpful to me. We have spoken about my fears specifically and we have come up with coping mechanisms and ways to deal with each of my individual concerns. I highly recommend having your spouse or support person involved in this area of therapy, as they can be informed of your coping mechanisms and plans to help alleviate specific fears.

I also have spoken with my OB and asked for reassurance during the delivery for some of my concerns and fears. We also met with one of the nursing managers at the hospital (different hospital than in the past) and brought up our concerns and was given reassurance and affirmations. Hearing the words come from these individuals mouths' was very helpful to me and gave me a sense of calm that history won't repeat itself.

How are you mentally preparing to bring home a baby and the postpartum period?

I will admit, it's been hard for me to prepare for this baby. It's like I haven't allowed myself to feel happy or get attached to the baby, for my fears of losing him or her have pushed me back. One of things I have done is taken in some thoughts on each day of my pregnancy and I try to find something that is unique to this baby or pregnancy. I find it cute how often this baby get the hiccups inside of me, as I can feel it's rhythmic movements to it and it makes me laugh at how excited this baby is to be alive inside of me. I have mentally prepared myself through scripture as well-dwelling on passages for strength and hope.

What are some ways you will honor and remember the babies you lost with your new baby?

Whether this baby is a girl or boy, he or she will have the name of their older sibling that passed on as the middle name. We feel this is a unique way to keep our triplets remembered.

What would you say to a mom who is feeling guilt over having another baby?

I would definitely validate that mom's feelings. No one else in the world knows what it is like to grieve the loss of her baby and then be pregnant with her new baby. I would let that mom know that she is definitely not alone and that it's normal to feel those emotions. I would remind mom that grief is a journey and it takes time to get to a path in the journey when certain emotions or feelings (such as guilt) will enter your life but also will dissipate in time. I would encourage that mom to reach out to friends, family, or her church for the love and support that she needs on her journey and remind her again that she is definitely not alone.

What encouragement would you give to another mom who is pregnant after loss?

I would encourage any mom that is experiencing pregnancy after loss to seek therapy help. Find a therapist that you trust and discuss your concerns. From here, you help to develop an action plan. I used this plan daily to help alleviate some of my day to day fears and anxiety issues.

I would also encourage mom to find supportive friends and family, as this makes a huge difference.

What advice would you give to someone who loves someone who is pregnant after loss?

I would let that individual know that they need to be supportive in how that mom feels, whether you agree with her feelings or not. What that mom feels is unique and special to her and no two individuals will feel the same. You need to validate her feelings and be supportive towards her.