Christmas Card Guide After Pregnancy or Infant Loss
Christmas cards were always one of my favorite parts of the holiday season - that is, before our losses. I loved receiving pictures of my friends and family and hanging the cards on the doorways or card displays around my home. It was so cheery and joyful to read and receive pictures of people I didn’t get to see every day.
Then we received a life-limiting, prenatal diagnosis for our son and were carrying him through the Christmas season, wading through deep and heavy anticipatory grief. By the next Christmas, we had said goodbye to him and another baby we had lost to miscarriage just weeks before. Those holiday cards suddenly felt like glaring reminders to me that my family didn’t look like it should (in person) and that I would never have a complete family photo.
I wanted to still send a Christmas card, but I wanted it to match my experience in the richness of the Christmas season - that there could be both joy and sorrow... that even though Jesus came as a baby, he came to die. Mary carried a baby she would one day lose - all so that my babies I lost might be in Heaven with him. But the typical joyful and merry didn’t feel appropriate.
It can be so hard to navigate the Christmas season..
This year we wanted to give you some helpful tips in how you might want to handle your family’s Christmas cards so that that tension you may be feeling can be relieved a little bit, so that that dread of the holiday season might feel more approachable. Here is a practical Christmas Card Guide for you to use as you consider what’s best for your family this holiday season.
01. Consider sending a non-photo card. There are tons of beautiful Christmas cards that are meaningful and festive that do not include photos on the front or even tucked inside. You can find them at stores like Target, Rifle Paper Co, The Paper Source, and of course - Etsy. Speaking of Etsy, there are some amazing small business owners who you can purchase from who illustrate families for Christmas cards. Working with a talented artist who can draw your family as you know it to look in your heart can be healing and a beautiful way to share in the holiday spirit… with a twist! We love this example from Heartoons.
02. If you use a photo, consider including a nod to the children you’ve lost in your family photo. It’s okay to acknowledge them! And actually, can be refreshing for both you and the friends and family who receive your card. We have a whole Family Photo Guide if you need some tips and suggestions for how to do this in a beautiful and meaningful way. (Note: As with everything, it’s also okay to not include the children you’ve lost! You get to decide how you want to share your children - or not. No pressure.)
03. Use an honest greeting on the front. If you aren’t feeling very merry or happy this holiday season, that’s okay. You can communicate meaningful messages without having to sugarcoat the season. A simple “Christmas 2020” could also suffice - but here are some of the greetings you could use this year that are traditional and honest:
The Weary World Rejoices
Let Heaven and Nature Sing
Sleep in Heavenly Peace
Thinking of You this Christmas
Sending Christmas Love
Tidings of Comfort and Joy
04. Write a short and honest message on the back - if you want to. (This is something that can be simply left blank, as there are often no words!) You may want to thank those who have cared for you so well during this past year or you might want to just address the elephant in the room by acknowledging your child. You may just want to communicate that Christmas isn’t always so happy and perfect but that doesn’t mean it’s any less good or meaningful. Here are some ideas:
We have seen that even in the darkest days, we can rejoice still in the joys of _________’s life. We are praying that would be true for you this Christmas too.
The bear on the front that (Sibling) is holding represents _________ in Heaven. We miss her and love her and are celebrating her life this holiday season.
_________ & _________ are always in our hearts, especially this Christmas season. Thank you for supporting us this year through such unexpected moments. We love you.
Our arms are empty, but our hearts are full.
Here are some verses and lyrics that may put words to how you’re feeling, too.
Isaiah 9:6 - “For to us a child is born, to us a son is given and the government will be on his shoulders and he shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.”
Philippians 2:8-10 - “And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth.”
Romans 15:13 - “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”
From “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing” - Mild He lays His glory by, born that man no more may die. Born to raise the sons of earth; born to give them second birth. Hark! The herald angels sing, “Glory to the newborn King!”
From “O Little Town of Bethlehem” - Yet in thy dark streets shineth the everlasting Light. The hopes and fears of all the years are met in Thee tonight.
From “He Who is Mighty” by Sovereign Grace Music - Unto us a Son is given, unto us a Child is born. He who is mighty has done a great thing - taken on flesh, conquered death’s sting, shattered the darkness and lifted our shame! Holy is his name.
05. To sign or not to sign your baby’s name? This can be a deeply personal and emotional decision. Including your child’s name does not necessarily mean that you’re holding on to something you shouldn’t be or not grieving in a healthy way. It’s not weird to include them. In the same way, not writing your baby’s name doesn’t mean that you’ve forgotten, moved on, or are hurting your child’s feelings. Here are some other ways you can sign the card rather than just listing everyone’s names:
Love, the Smith Family
With Baby’s Name in our hearts, (and then sign your names)
Add hearts or some other symbol after your names for the babies you’ve lost
Bonus idea! One member of The Joyful Mourning Community uses a stamp with an illustration and her child’s name that represents her too.
Lastly, remember: you don’t have to send them at all. The decision to send a Christmas card for your family is completely up to you! No need for an explanation, no need to apologize. It is more than okay to choose not to send Christmas cards - this year, or ever! It doesn’t mean you aren’t joyful or that you don’t want to share your family with others. There’s no requirement on this. If you need to pause this year, do it. Here’s your permission. If sending cards will feel more stressful, more grief-inducing or in any way unhelpful, then we would say - just don’t send them. You can always change your mind next year - and that will be okay.
Hi, I'm Meg!
I'm a mom of three with babies in Heaven, a fan of warm weather and the beach, and a lover of meaningful conversations with family and friends. I spend my days with my children and college students in Richmond, VA, sharing with them the grace and truth that Jesus offers as he transforms their lives - and mine!