Why does she still talk about her baby? | Conversations With a Grieving Mom No. 02
Conversations with a Grieving Mom
Throughout October I am highlighting specific topics surrounding pregnancy and infant loss in a series of 4 short mini bonus episodes. My hope is to give you, grieving moms, a voice, to acknowledge your loss and at the same time to help others who have not experienced this kind of loss understand a little better what it is to be a baby loss mom.
In this second episode of the series I am talking about why we as loss moms talk about our babies and addressing all the other things someone who has not experienced this kind of loss may find strange or odd, awkward or uncomfortable — or all of the above. If you are a grieving mom I hope this gives you permission to grieve in any way that is helpful to you, and to honor and celebrate your baby in any way you choose. If you are here because you love a grieving mom, I hope this helps you understand us a bit better.
15 You May be wondering about your grieving friend
If you have never experienced the loss of a baby here are some things you may have been wondering about your friend who has:
Why does she want to talk about her baby?
Why did she have pictures taken of her baby after he died?
Why does she want to show them to me?
Why is she still talking about him?
Why did she take his ashes to that event?
Why is she visiting his graveside so often? Is that healthy?
Why does it seem like she wants to bring him up in conversation? She’s already told that story.
Why does she have pictures of him in her house or on her desk or on her phone? Isn’t that morbid and sad?
Why is she celebrating his birthday when he’s not here?
Why did she give her baby a name? Wasn’t she only a few weeks along?
Why is she letting her living children talk about him? Doesn’t she know that’s hurting them?
Why doesn’t she want to come to my baby shower? She’s being so selfish.
Why did she tell me she can’t talk about that thing or go to that event? She should be fine by now right? Maybe she's unstable mental. She probably needs therapy.
Why doesn’t she want to be around my children? That feels so selfish.
Why is she stilllll talking about him?
Grieving moms hear this — I know you feel awkward and uncomfortable. I know you feel unsure about what's acceptable and what isn’t. I know it's incredibly hard to navigate knowing what would be helpful to you in your grief while also navigating the expectations and unspoken criticism of those around you. I know you aren’t sure when it’s ok to say your baby’s name, to share your birth story, to be honest about how you’re doing, to invite others into your grief. I know what it feels like when the cards stop coming and the expectation seems to be that you should be done grieving. I know what it feels like to tell the same story or give the same answer and feel like you are disappointing people or making someone feel uncomfortable.
What I want you to hear me say is this: you are not alone and you are free to grieve in whatever way feels good and right. And it’s ok if it feels uncomfortable, and it’s ok if you let others down and it’s ok if those around you don’t fully understand the decisions you are making, the things you are saying, the photos you are sharing, or the boundaries you have put in place. It’s ok if you don’t meet expectations or feel misunderstood.
You don’t need anyone’s permission or acceptance or even their acknowledgement that you are doing the right thing or handling it in the right way.
It’s ok because you will never make everyone happy or meet everyone’s expectations. We know that but in grief we fight that lie all the time. It feels painful to be misunderstood about something that is just so incredibly important.
It’s ok for this to feel messy. It is messy. And you might feel like or be made to feel like you are doing everything wrong -- but you aren’t.
As a grieving mom a little further down the road I want to say this -- others around us may not fully understand what we are walking through and what it’s like to navigate life after the loss of a baby -- how could they? I mean, I am sure that I was not a gracious and thoughtful person in the ways I desire others to be towards me now before my son died. We, as grieving moms, get the opportunity to show grace and love -- even when it feels undeserved. We get the opportunity to gracefully teach, to explain, to raise awareness about what it’s like and why we do what we do.
We live in a culture that is uncomfortable with grief. We are taught to avoid pain or get through it as quickly as possible. We get to be a part of the solution to that problem. We get to show what grief looks like in a way that is honest and tender and humble and gracious. We can acknowledge that it’s uncomfortable and messy and that that’s ok. We can acknowledge the tension that exists between joy and sorrow and that it’s ok for both to co-exist. We can acknowledge that grief is not something to ignore or push aside or run away from simply because it’s painful. We can show forgiveness when we are hurt and expectations are unfair or simply ignored.
For those listening who love a grieving mom let’s address a few of the things you may have been wondering:
Why does she want to talk about her baby?
Well, for starters it’s her baby. Just because they are no longer living does not make this baby any less real or a part of her life. And as my friend Tim Powitz said about his daughter Helen, “If we don’t talk about her, she lives even less.” To talk about our baby is to us a way to parent, to love, to acknowledge, and to bring honor to our baby.
Talking about our baby brings us joy. It brings us comfort. It in no way signals that anything is wrong with a grieving mother. That she is unstable or unhealthy.
Why did she have pictures taken of her baby after he died?
Because it will be the only photos we ever have of our baby. It will become one of her greatest possessions. She will never feel like she has enough. No matter how many she had taken. She will never get to memorize their tiny toes or kiss their little fingers. This will be all she has to remember her baby by and while it feels unlikely that a mother would ever forget details like that -- time is a thief. And as a mother who said goodbye to her son nearly 12 years ago, there are things I have forgotten that i would have never imagined forgetting. We take the pictures to remember. To parent. To cherish.
Why does she want to show them (the pictures) to me?
Because we are like any other parent -- we are proud of and absolutely in love with our child. We know that a baby born too early or a baby born still or a baby born with a life-limiting diagnosis may not look like your baby. And we know the pictures might make you feel sad and uncomfortable. But could you look at them the way we do? Could you see our baby through our eyes? A baby that we love and cherish, a baby we want to share with the world. We show you these pictures as a way to parent and to bring honor to our baby.
Why is she still talking about him?
We are talking about our baby because like you we are still parents, whether you see our baby here or not, whether you met him or not, whether she lived outside the womb or not, whether she lived for a few minutes or a few days or a few months. We talk about our baby as a way to parent, as a way to love and bring honor to.
Why does she carry his ashes with her? Or why is she visiting his graveside so often? Is that healthy?
We just want to parent our baby. And when we can’t do that in the normal, expected way with a living baby we look to other alternatives in our grief. Carrying our baby’s ashes or visiting their graveside makes us feel closer to our baby or maybe makes our baby feel less gone; it brings comfort in a way that is hard to explain to someone who hasn’t been there -- it might even give us a sense of purpose in the days or weeks or months following our baby’s death. It gives us a tangible way to parent this baby no longer here.
The ‘is she healthy’ question may come from a good place but in reality it’s putting a false expectation on what grief should look like. Most likely due to the fact that our culture is generally uncomfortable with death or dying, with sadness and pain. When asking yourself that question, make sure you are not asking out of a place of what is normal and expected or even out of an understanding of how you think you would respond if you were in the same situation. We all grieve differently. We all process our losses differently. The way we find healing often looks different than someone who has experienced the same type of loss. So even if she is doing something that feels strange to you, remember that truth -- it’s going to look different for everyone and her desire is likely a good one, she just wants to parent her baby and she’s figuring out exactly what that looks like when her baby is no longer here. Just because her baby died doesn’t mean she is no longer a mother. Give her the space and freedom to figure out what that looks like in this season.
Why does it seem like she wants to bring him up in conversation? She’s already told that story.
Welp. Maybe you are noticing a theme here but the simple answer is because we love our baby. And just like you we want to talk about our baby. The only difference is that we likely only have a few stories to tell. We don’t have a plethora of memories to share only a finite number were made. We don't have an endless bank of knowledge about our children, only a limited number of details that if we don’t share we might forget. As my friend Lindsey Dennis, author of Buried Dreams said “I know I always tell the same story over and over but it’s the only story I have of my daughters.”
We bring our babies up in conversation because it is our way of parenting them, of honoring them, of showing our great love for them.
Why does she have pictures of him in her house or on her desk or on her phone? Isn’t that morbid and sad?
We proudly display photos because we are proud parents. Just like you. The only difference is that our babies aren’t here any longer. Their lack of physical presence does not diminish our love for them. And we understand that it feels sad to you but showing their pictures isn’t sad to us -- it’s actually quite the opposite, it’s celebrating their lives, it’s communicating their value and worth. We understand that it might make you feel uncomfortable. But that is our every day reality -- life after loss is living in the tension of joy and sorrow simultaneously.
Why is she celebrating his birthday when he’s not here?
Because our baby’s life is worth celebrating. No matter how long they lived. Their life was and is valuable. And celebrating their birthday is a tangible way for us to parent, to show our love, to remember and honor this little life that has changed us forever.
Why did she give her baby a name? Wasn’t she only a few weeks along?
Because she didn’t just have a miscarriage, her baby died. Naming her baby is a way to acknowledge that her baby was in fact a baby, a life that mattered. A life worth grieving. A life worth her attention and her affection. And naming a baby is a way for her to parent this baby that has died. A way to honor their life and acknowledge their value.
Why is she letting her living children talk about him? Doesn’t she know that’s hurting them?
First, when a baby dies, the parents are not the only one who loses. A brother and sister lose a sibling. A grandparent loses a grandchild. An aunt or uncle loses a niece or nephew. To put only the parents in the category of those who should grieve is to say that that baby only mattered to them and no one else and that just isn’t true.
Giving children the freedom to talk openly about their siblings that have died teaches them that their brother or sister’s life had value no matter how short their days. And just like a parent of a baby that has died does not stop being a parent to that baby, a sibling does not stop being a sibling just because their brother or sister is no longer here. That might look like imaginary play or including their name in storytelling or writing letters to them or telling strangers about their sibling in heaven. All of that is just their being siblings, bringing honor to their life.
Also, teaching our children what it means to grieve and what it looks like to walk through death and life after loss is a gift. Teaching them to understand that this life is broken is not hurting them, rather it is giving them a better understanding of our present reality and also our future hope. To not do so is to not give them the tools they will one day need to navigate their own experiences of brokenness. We live in a broken world where hurt and pain is inevitable -- teaching our children what it means to navigate that brokenness is not damaging them, rather it is helping them to grow in emotional maturity.
Why doesn’t she want to come to my baby shower? Why doesn’t she want to be around my children? Why isn’t she coming to the family gathering? She’s being so selfish.
Her heart is broken. And while it may not make sense to you, she has to have boundaries that feel right to her. Boundaries that keep her help her take the next breath and the next step. Some things just may be too difficult for her in certain seasons. But her not attending or having these boundaries is not a sign that she doesn’t love you nor is it a sign that she is selfish -- she is simply surviving. She can be happy for you and still really really broken over her own loss, but sitting through tiny baby clothes and baby games or watching you mother your living children are likely just too difficult for her right now. Give her that space without judgement or even hurt. There will likely be a day when she will be able to do those things again, just not right now.
Why did she tell me she was struggling or having a hard time? It’s been awhile, shouldn’t she be fine by now?
Grief is an ongoing process. And specifically when a baby dies we live through a thousand more tiny deaths. Every milestone, every birthday, every holiday. All the things that feel normal and expected for every other parent that we will not get to do with our child. We grieve those tiny seemingly insignificant moments often unexpectedly and out of nowhere. That means we may have difficult days even years out from experiencing our loss. That means we may sometimes feel really sad. Sometimes we will really miss our baby and what would have been. That doesn’t mean we aren’t ok it just means we are still grieving and that is to be expected. It means we really loved our baby and that death hurts and it’s repercussions are long lasting.
Why is she stilllll talking about him?
Because we love him. We miss him. We will never forget him and we don’t want you to either. In fact it brings us just the most joy when you say his name. When you ask about him. It reminds us that our baby is loved and not forgotten.
In conclusion -- as moms who have experienced pregnancy or infant loss often do the things we do because, just like you, we love our baby and are proud of our baby and want to share them with the world. Often we are parenting our baby that is no longer here in the only way we know how or the only way that is available to us. We understand more than anyone how uncomfortable it is; but that uncomfortable feeling is our everyday reality. We invite you to come sit with us in it and in doing so remember and honor our babies.
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