Grief at 16 months

(Originally Posted February 19, 2010)

I have not written as much as I had maybe hoped I would throughout my pregnancy with Asher. I envisioned myself being strong enough to write and tell you about all the ways that God was continuing to heal our family... relaying to you all the ups and downs of this emotional roller coaster we call grief. But in reality it was very hard for me to face a blank screen and willingly go through the pain again... it was very hard to try and find the words on days when my heart was so very heavy and tears came much easier than words. And in the end I would compartmentalize all that was going on inside of me... only allowing a few to see the pain.Really, how do you explain such intense grief while experiencing such joy?Molly Piper delivered her second child, Felicity, still. She writes the following about her fears of having her third child: "I knew that the instant he arrived, my affections and heart would be different, because I would have so much love for him. But what would happen to the feelings I still want to have for Felicity? Will there be room enough for all of them? I almost felt like her territory was being encroached upon. Not that this would be the fault of our next child AT ALL; I just felt like her little spot in my life would get even smaller. And as her mother, I dreaded that."I really am at a loss for words... I keep typing sentences and then erasing them. I am trying to make sense of everything going on inside of me but it is very difficult...My mind is flashing memories of the past 9 months...I started early preparing for Asher to be born. I knew how challenging some of the steps would be so we did a little at a time. Aaron has been so incredibly supportive throughout this part of my grieving process... letting me cry when I need to... often times uncontrollably. I remember more than one occasion of me coming to him with swollen, red eyes and a knot in my throat so big I could not even talk. He would patiently just wait... walk me through what was going on inside and he would comfort me. What an amazing husband.We pulled all the baby things out as soon as we found out we were having another boy. We had to sort through all the little things that I had not thought about for months... the cutest polka dot blanket that Erica gave Aaden in the hospital... the sweet little outfit that Andrew and Aaden wore home from the hospital, and that Asher will wear home too. Aaden's little bat costume from Halloween. His little pacifiers... all these tiny, seemingly insignificant things to most parents and yet they are really all we have left our little baby.So many memories for a short 5 week span of your life. But those 5 weeks changed our lives... Aaden changed our life.More times than I can count I have had to answer the question "Oh, is this your first pregnancy?" And while, I am so very thankful to have the opportunity to talk about my son that they cannot see, I typically leave it at "Oh no, this is my third... yes, 3 boys... yeah, we have a pretty crazy life..." It is so difficult not to tell the world the entire story... but it isn't really a stranger's burden to carry.So, tonight is my last night of being pregnant with Asher. Tomorrow we get to see his beautiful face and touch the little feet and hands that have been kicking around inside of me for the past almost 40 weeks now. And I am not ready. I want to meet him so badly but I am so afraid... so very afraid...To Andrew, you will be a big brother for the second time tomorrow. You will no doubt be amazing... you have loved Asher the entire time he has been growing inside of me... talking to him as if you already know him, even begging him to come out and play with you. I pray that you will teach him all you know and that one day God will use you both to change the world.And to our sweet Aaden, you will be a big brother tomorrow. I have no doubt that you would have been just as amazing as Drew, but we will have to settle for getting to see you with your brothers in heaven one day. Know that we will miss you and love you even more. No one will ever take your place in our hearts...My heart is indeed heavy tonight. I am not sure I am ready to let go of Asher. I plead for your prayers as we embark on what will surely be an emotional journey over the coming days and weeks...