Real Women Share What Surprised Us Most about Grief After Pregnancy and Infant Loss

No one ever seems to expect that it’ll happen to them. Losing a baby in pregnancy, no matter how early or late, receiving a life-limiting diagnosis, or losing a baby after they’re born and they’ve been in your arms or in your home… there’s always a shock. Always an element of surprise.

Then you’re thrown into the deep end of grief. What is this new world you’re living in? What is grief? Even when a mom has experienced grief before, whether the loss of another baby or another loved one, she tends to find herself learning to navigate it again or with added complexities.

We asked our community to share with us what surprised them most about grief in hopes that you will feel less alone in your own experience. Here’s what they have to say about it:

What surprised you most about grief after pregnancy or infant loss?

“Guilt and Joy.

I knew I’d always feel guilty of what happened to my body that led to my daughter’s death. What I did not anticipate is how guilty I’d feel to just be alive or do anything I enjoy. I remember the first couple of months I did not want to get out of the house or dine out because I felt like people would wonder how I dared to live after what happened. These feelings have resurfaced now that we are trying to conceive again.

Another thing is that, though this is nothing like I had imagined being her mother would be, I did not anticipate how much joy could be found in remembering, honoring and talking about my daughter. We’ve been donating diapers and baby wipes to families in need and it has brought me and my husband so much joy.” - F.

“That I still feel terrible and have days of dark cloudiness almost a year later 😢” - C.

“I think I was most surprised to feel how deep grief is. Since she was prenatally diagnosed with trisomy 13, I thought I’d be prepared for what was to come and that I could find a way to “handle it”. There are some things we just can’t prepare our hearts for no matter how hard we try. That love is deeper than can be explained 🤍

I was also surprised how much it ripples into so many different areas of life. It’s not just “sadness” as so many people assume.” - A.

“Yeah I agree, sadness feels different to grief for me too. Grief seems tethered to love, sadness is a side effect but then so is happiness. It's so heavy but then it's heart opening too. Like I wonder how many women a day I bump into that are in this with me and I just don't know it.” - A.

“I'm surprised at how soft I've become... How self aware it’s forced me to be. I'm surprised that my mothering has changed in ways for the better (to my older children). I never for once thought I'd be going through a second loss and it makes me wonder why. And then I have no choice but to make grief my friend if I want to get anything done around the house.” - A.

“How it ebbs and flows. Some days I start to feel like my normal self and the next moment, I am crushed under the heavy grief.” - S.

“The weight and exhaustion of it. I just had a huge fibroid removed, most likely what caused my miscarriage. They showed me a picture. It kinda surprised me that my first reaction was a deep desire to hack it to bits. Part of grief I suppose (or maybe just human nature) wanting someone/something to blame/take it all out on.” - P.

“The intense anger has really surprised me. I’ve always been a rather cheerful person so to experience such rage at other people and God has taken me by surprise. Therapy has helped me to recognize these feelings are valid without letting them affect my actions and helped me learn to be brutally honest with God about the pain I’m feeling.” - S.

““Time heals” is inaccurate. Grief keeps growing as time goes on… Wednesday will be 9 months without my daughter and every day I feel further away from her💔” - A.

“This overwhelming feeling of being lost. I feel like I died with my son. I know I am not the same person, but who am I? What am I doing? An identity crisis.” - C.

“It keeps showing up and when life is hard for other reasons, grief comes back with full force!” - H.