Supporting Each other After Baby Loss | Q&A with a Grieving Couple

Jacob & Becky Banik

Editor’s Note:

Every grieving couple is different and even within a marriage or relationship, each person grieves differently. This month we want to highlight real grieving couples who have experienced the loss of a baby in hopes that it gives you the feeling that you are not alone in your grief and that you can continue to love and support each other in the midst of your grief. Click here to read Part I of Becky and Jacob’s Q&A.

Tell us about your baby.

Joseph Allen (Joey) was born March 20, 2021. He was our first boy after three girls and we were over the moon to have him join our family! Hours after birth, we noticed some breathing issues and had him checked out. He was found to have multiple heart defects and transported to a children’s hospital a few hours from our home as soon as a bed was available for him. We remained there for three weeks as his team worked to discover what was going on. Ultimately, they found he had a rare genetic condition called Williams’s Syndrome, a mark of which is heart defects. He was stable enough to go home and we began making long term plans for testing and support for his needs. We had three beautiful weeks at home where he got to meet and cuddle with his sisters. He had beautiful, bright eyes and would follow his family as they moved around the room. He also loved snuggles on Mommy and Daddy’s chests in the recliner, often rocking to lullabies or classic programs (The Waltons was a favorite). He rarely cried and was a very peaceful, sweet little boy. On May 7th, 2021, Joey suffered a heart episode at home and went to be with Jesus at 6 weeks old. We miss him terribly and long to be reunited with him one day.

What have you done to support each other while grieving?

Becky: We’ve worked hard to learn each other’s love (and grief) languages. For a long time, we supported one another in a way that we thought the other one would appreciate, but that was often very off the mark. We would get very resentful of the other one for not supporting us, when in all reality, they were trying and just missing the mark. We had to learn to listen and respond to the other person’s needs in the way they felt most loved. For example I have learned that my husband feels loved when I pick up the extra slack and allow him time to rest, work on a project or watch TV when he’s having a hard day. He doesn’t like to talk about what he’s navigating, he needs to check out or work on something. I, on the other hand, really like to talk through the hurt and have someone understand my feelings about a specific situation. He’s learned to be present and sit in it with me, not offering a solution but just listening to and supporting me.

Jacob: I have learned (and still am learning) how to be a better husband for my wife throughout this. One thing I’ve realized is that just because I have a way of showing her how much I love her that it might not translate. We went to a marriage conference at our church that was presented by Dr. Gary Chapman who wrote a book on love languages. The way I feel loved (and consequently the default way in which I show my love for my wife) is not the same as hers. So I have to constantly be thinking about things from her perspective and see/anticipate what she needs. It has been very humbling to feel like I’m a bad spouse so much. But I feel like it has made me rethink what marriage is and focus more on my wife and our relationship and that’s helped tremendously.

EDITOR’S NOTE: To learn more about the 5 Love Languages for Grieving Couples, click here.

What is something you wish your spouse/partner knew?

Becky: We share most everything with each other, but one thing I wish my husband knew, that I hope he knows, is what an incredible father and husband I think he is. He is the most loving, present, father to all of our children. Watching him parent the girls and Joey is one of my greatest joys. He is also an amazing husband. Even on the hardest days, he still stands with me and chooses our marriage. I see him working so hard to be the best he can be for our family, and I’m honored God chose him for me.

Jacob: I wish my spouse knew how in awe I am of her ability to get knocked to the ground and still get back up. She is her own harshest critic. I wish I could convince her of how amazing she is as a mom and a wife and a teammate. She sees all the bad and none of the good that I see. She has been with me on a journey that has been crushing at many points. Yet we are still holding hands together in the fray. She’s so much stronger and loving and beautiful than she thinks she is. My daily goal as a husband is to tell her what I see and hope she can see a fraction of that.

What is something you wish your friends/family understood?

We wish our friends and family truly understood who Joey was to us. Some do, some really get it, and those relationships are precious. But there are others, those we thought were a part of our inner circle, who don’t talk about or acknowledge Joey. They are the same people who can’t understand why we are still aching for our boy. I often wonder, if he had been older and had met more people, would they feel the same? Would they expect us to move on and not include him in our lives? Would they remember him and miss him with us if they knew him better? We’ve worked very hard in counseling to forgive many people who have hurt us deeply in our darkest days, but there are relationships that will never be the same.

What advice or encouragement would you give to another grieving couple?

Never give up on your marriage. Trust your partner to walk with you through the pain and the confusion as you move forward without your sweet baby. Seek support! We found that in counseling and our counselor helped keep us accountable in taking steps to sustain our marriage. Your relationship is worth the work, but it has to be a choice. We decided we would honor Joey by making sure his legacy wasn’t that our family, our marriage, fell apart. It takes work, every day, but we are learning to love the new version of ourselves that we’ve become. There is beauty in that, in the reinventing, rebirth, of life “after.” Lean in to other loss couples as you feel able (we attended a marriage retreat for grieving couples and it was incredibly beautiful). There are others out there who have an idea of what your struggles feel like; we are a tribe that supports one another.

Meet the Author:
Jacob & Becky Banik

We live in Olyphant, PA and are the proud parents of four sweet girls here on earth and our baby, Joey, in Heaven. We are both high school teachers and love spending our free time reading and playing with our kids.