20 Women Share What They Wish They Had Known About Grief After Baby Loss
Laura: It’s a big deal and grief requires a lot of hard work to work through, but it’s important and it’s worth dealing with instead of trying to ignore it.
Maggie: The heaviness it feels to carry the grief everyday, even on days when the sun is shining, can feel like you are quietly carrying the world on your shoulders.
Shannon: Grieving while having unhealed trauma is very disorienting. The things that “should” bring on my grief do not, the things that are nowhere near as devastating make me weep. It’s hard to navigate feelings when they’re unpredictable and don’t match up to the areas of trauma.
Hailey: There's no right way to do it. And there is no way to fast track through the pain. My personality is a “do-er” and I convinced myself if I read all the grief books, felt all the feelings and went to therapy that I would get through the grief fast.... In reality, it’s a slow and painful process, but allowing myself grace and giving into the full grief journey allowed myself to finally heal.
Alaina: Grief is a fight, and a daily reminder that your life is still worth living, despite the circumstances.
Hannah: 1. Grief comes in waves. It’s okay to start having good days. You don’t have to guilt yourself into feeling badly for having good days just because you’re grieving. 2. Some people will expect you to “just get over it” & “just move on.” You don’t have to do either of those things. The people who expect you to do those things don’t understand grief & want you to grieve on their terms. It’s okay to step back from those relationships.
Maci: Everyone grieves differently. And it’s okay to laugh. I felt so guilty the first time I actually laughed. P.S. Your friend will understand if you decide to not go to her baby shower.
Elizabeth: Grief will change you. You will never be the same person. However that is not a negative thing. This new person you have become is a gift to the world. Your daily dance with grief is a story of resilience and beauty that deserves to be shared.
Megan: There’s no timeline to grief. There's no right or wrong way to grieve. You will get stronger every day, but you don’t have to be “ok” before you’re actually ok. Disconnect from the world around you, lean on people who love you, and do not feel as if you owe anyone an explanation for your feelings. Healing is a personal journey, and everyone’s journey is different.
Rhiannon: Grief is not just for death but loss of all kinds — my particular experience being adapting to a couple of injuries and grieving things I can’t do anymore and the person I was but will never be again.
Ana: Grief isn’t a linear relationship it comes and goes in waves and people will not understand that. Give yourself extra grace and compassion towards yourself.
Anna: 1. People are super uncomfortable with grief and won’t know what to say so, they’ll inevitably say the wrong thing. And with God’s grace (because mine certainly isn’t enough) we can face those things and share His grace with them (but also speak up when we feel hurt!). 2. Grief never goes away, it just changes—I see it as a new passenger on my journey that may “talk more” some days and then “go to sleep” for awhile and not be as noticeable but they never get out of the car.
Cat: It’s like a wet sock. It’s uncomfortable and you can feel it, but no one else can. I wish I had understood that when grief feels like all your clothes are soaking wet, it’s too much. Don’t be afraid to find professional help. Even pharmaceutical help. Expect to be surprised by how grief and joy become intertwined.
Anna: What surprised me the most about grief was my inability to do normal things. I could not think of anything to make for dinner for example. I would drive to the store, sit in the parking lot, cry and go home because I just couldn’t go in. Some days I couldn’t do anything except sit on the couch and look at photos of her all day and cry. I’m such a busy body and love to clean, cook, etc..that this hit me like a freight train. My best advice is to not expect a lot out of yourself and to ask for help when you need it, even if it’s just someone to run to the store for you.
Anna: I’m “new” into this grief as my son only passed away 2 months ago but for me the brain fog is real. Forgetting things are so easy. Yet trying to remember every single thing about my boy. Also I’m normally a social person but I don’t even have the energy to be around people.
Alisha: I lost my father when I was 17, and both my grandparents shortly before that. My family became very small. Just my sister and my mom. I thought that the adjustments and grief I went through was going to help me through this process, but it didn’t. Miscarriage grief is so different and so much harder. When I lost my father everyone knew and everyone was very sympathetic and supportive. Miscarriage, no one knows, and so you feel the sadness and heavy emotions but no one understands and you don’t talk about it. When I grieved losing my dad I have all these memories to provide comfort. Losing my baby girl I just have hopes and dreams of what could have been.
Caitlin: I am 6 weeks out from the loss of our son, Eli, who was stillborn at 32 weeks due to trisomy 18. So it is new for us (although grief really started more than 20 weeks ago when we received news of his short life expectancy). This pregnancy was also preceded 3 months earlier by a miscarriage. I would tell mamas:
Take time for yourself and let yourself feel whatever it is you need to feel. It is ok to not be ok but it’s also ok to be ok some days.
It is OK to not know how you feel or not be able to express your feelings.
Take time for self care and accept help. It is so hard for us to accept help, I think it makes us feel weak, or that we are a burden or that doing so admits that something bad happened. But in reality, accepting help allows others to love on us which is so very needed.
Be open to those who are close. Being open has strengthened my relationship with others and built a strong support system around me.
Grief can feel so lonely. Even your husband and other loss mamas aren’t able to know exactly what you are going through or feeling because each of our experiences are unique. Reach out to others when you need, they want to be there for you.
Find resources that are best for you. Counseling can be incredibly helpful. Podcasts like The Joyful Mourning can be too.
It’s ok and good to share your story. Find those that allow you to share. Mamas of loss who are dealing with grief have messy and painful birth stories but they are stories that are important to share. To share about our child and to debrief a traumatic experience is vital. Know that it is ok to share when you are ready.
Lori: I would tell her that grief is like an invisible backpack permanently attached to you. Some days it’s so heavy, you can barely get out of bed and even if you do, it hurts to walk. Other days, it’s so light you forget it’s there. But it can get heavy at any time. I wish I had known that the grief I experienced losing my mom at 13 was very different than the grief I experienced losing my daughter at 35. No two “griefs” are alike.
Caitlyn: One thing that has surprised me the most is how physically exhausting grief can be. On nights when I cry myself to sleep, the next morning my body feels like it is completely drained of all energy even if I got 7+ hours of sleep. Also, I'm learning that trying to fight the tears or hide your emotions only makes them come back stronger. Allow yourself to just feel whatever it is that you are feeling at that moment and give yourself grace. There is no timeline for grief.
Megan: I wish I would have known how much it affects every aspect of life. How simple tasks are often too much to handle. How it takes time to even come out of the fog in order to begin to process. My counselor says the first 6 weeks are just a fog. I didn't realize how long it would last. How much it still affects me 8 months later. Lastly and most importantly, I didn't realize how deep I could go with God so quickly. I've always been serious about my walk with Him, but you will know Him in entirely new and amazing ways if you seek Him. He is faithful and good even during the longest, darkest nights.
two helpful RESOURCES FOR understanding grief
Understanding Grief
A conversation with a counselor
Understanding Grief
a free pdf workbook to help you understand the grief you are experiencing.
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