How to Care for a Mom Pregnant After Loss

ARTICLE BY AMANDA GILMORE

Pregnancy after loss is a journey of hope, joy, worry, sorrow, and so many other things. Moms walking this journey need someone who can understand that we can be excited and nervous for this new baby. That we can be hopeful for new life and mourn the life we lost. That we will be parenting a child on earth and a child in Heaven. Understanding the “and” is key to being fully supportive of a mom who is pregnant after loss.

We conceived our son, Samuel, three months after our daughter, Riley died. Riley had Trisomy 13 and lived for 117 days in 2020. When I got pregnant with Samuel, we were still very much in the throes of our grief, but reached the point where we felt open to new life. We wanted to use our hands again to care for a child, a feeling we so desperately missed. While we knew our timing was what was right for us, I was afraid of sharing the news of our second pregnancy. I thought people would judge us for getting pregnant again so soon, assume we were “all better”, or that Riley would be forgotten. I was devastated thinking that the focus on Riley’s life would fade and people wouldn’t want to hear about her anymore. I’ve never been more pleasantly surprised to be wrong.

What I’ve shared below includes the ways people supported us during my second pregnancy and during our son’s life so far. Not every family or mom will want the same things, but my hope is that this helps provide examples of how family and friends can support a mom experiencing pregnancy after loss.

Examples of ways we felt supported during pregnancy:

We keep baby names private until they’re born and referred to Samuel as “Little Brother”. We received lots of “Little Brother” outfits, and one friend even made us onesies that said, “I Love My Sister” and “Riley’s Little Bro”.
Friends asked if we wanted to have a baby shower, and quite honestly, I wasn’t comfortable being the center of attention in a large group. Instead, different friend groups hosted small baby sprinkle parties for us, incorporating Riley in the details. This included decorating with sunflowers (flowers that remind us of her) and having unicorn and donut sugar cookies (she loved her unicorn pacifier and often wore a donut hat).
We were given a custom night light that had Riley’s photo on it (from Shutterfly).
Family reminded us that she’s always part of our family and that this new baby doesn’t mark the end of Riley’s story, but is a continuation of the love she has instilled in all of us.
Another loss mom illustrated a photo of my husband and me with my pregnant belly, and drew Riley into it. She sent it to me at the beginning of a big week for us - the week of the first anniversary of Riley’s death and when we were scheduled to have Samuel. It meant a lot to have something that represented our whole family.

Examples of ways we have felt supported since Samuel’s birth:

I often hear about how much Samuel looks like Riley in photos. Whether it be their noses, chins, similar side profile, or little smirks, hearing other people recognize that means a lot.
When I share sweet little things Samuel does when I’m having a hard day, friends tell me they think Riley told him to do that.
When I shared a video of Samuel and me playing and laughing together, a friend said, “I can picture Riley laughing with you two in Heaven.”
On Christmas, Riley still received gifts from friends and family (new ornaments, donations made in her name). Her name was also written on many Christmas cards we received.
Friends ask that I still share photos of Riley on social media, even if they are photos they’ve seen before. They’ve said they still want to see her in their feed.

How You Can Support Your Loved Ones:

The ways you support a mom experiencing pregnancy after loss don’t need to be grand gestures. Remembering her baby in Heaven will mean much more than you’d think. Remember their birthday, due date, anniversary of their death, and any other milestone days for their family. Check in and let her know you’re thinking of her. Let her know you love her and that she’s never alone in this journey.

If you’re not sure how she wants to be supported, listen and see if she’s indirectly telling you something…

Has she talked about her child in Heaven being an older brother or sister?
Has she talked about wanting to incorporate them into their new baby’s nursery somehow?
Has she mentioned how she’ll have to someday explain to this baby that they have a sibling in Heaven?

Chances are, she may be telling you how you can support her without her directly asking for support. If she hasn’t, she may not feel comfortable talking about it in fear of what others may think. I encourage you to ask her how she’s feeling. Check in often. She may not have the energy to respond much one day… but check in again in a week. She needs you more than you know.

By wondering how you can support her, you’re already taking the right steps to care for a mom who is pregnant after loss. Your heart is in the right place. Thank you for showing up to care for your loved one who needs you.

MEET THE AUTHOR

Amanda Gilmore

Amanda and her husband, Jeff started their journey into parenthood with a life-limiting diagnosis for their daughter, Riley. Riley was born in 2020 and lived for 117 beautiful days. Her life taught them to appreciate the small joys in life, just as she did. In 2021, they welcomed Riley’s little brother, Samuel, who has brought a great sense of healing to their hearts. While they still feel early in their grief journey, they’re working together at rebuilding their lives and finding those sweet joys, just like Riley would want them to.

Connect with Author: https://www.instagram.com/gilmoresgal