How to Celebrate the Holidays when your Baby is in Heaven

by Amanda Gilmore

Our daughter, Riley, passed away on August 31, 2020. Soon after that happened, I thought I had to rush and start creating traditions for every holiday coming up, because I was afraid that if I didn’t do it then, that it might feel strange to do it any other year.

I want to start this off by saying, as a mother getting ready to celebrate her third holiday season without her daughter, there is no right or wrong time to start a tradition. If it feels like too much to do on your first Christmas, I hope you find peace in knowing you can do more another year. If you have a great new idea five years out, I hope you’re encouraged to know that new traditions are beautiful.

I noticed that in my early grief I was very attached to things that reminded me of her. I was constantly buying or being gifted keepsakes, which I love, but noticed that it’s almost like I expected those packages I received to have her in them when they arrived, and that sometimes the feeling of receiving them fell flat. I still find each keepsake to be so special, but it’s okay if sometimes things don’t bring the comfort that you wish they could, because ultimately, there’s nothing that would feel better than having your baby. My hope is that some of the ideas shared below can help spark ideas for you as you include your baby in the holiday season.

THANKSGIVING

I have a special candle that I bring with us wherever we go on this day and light that as we have dinner. This feels good because Thanksgiving isn’t necessarily a day where there are child-like elements that are easy to lean into, but it’s still a day about family and without someone there, it can be hard to feel thankful. Lighting the candle helps me incorporate Riley and feel the light she brought into our lives.

CHRISTMAS

I feel like we’ve tried a lot of different things for Christmas, but here is what has felt most meaningful so far:

Having a stocking for her on the mantle. I was afraid of doing this because of the pressure I’d feel to find the perfect thing to go inside each year. What I decided to do was get a special journal with her first initial on it that I place inside. Each Christmas morning, I write a letter to her about how I’m feeling, and hope she’s celebrating in Heaven. I also write to her in this journal on her birthday. Sometimes there are other meaningful things we can place in her stocking, but this gives me something I can always fall back on.
Getting a new angel for the top of our tree. My husband and I hadn’t actually had an angel for the top of our tree since we’ve been together, but our first Christmas without Riley felt like a good time to start. While we know Riley didn’t become an angel when she died, it still felt special and I’ll always remember when we added that to our Christmas decor.
Having special ornaments, just for her. There are a few that I have picked out for her, but many of them came as gifts from our family and friends. I like to keep them all together to easily see how loved she is.
Donating gifts to families with children that have the same diagnosis. We use the money we would have spent on her gift(s) and donate it toward gifts for another Trisomy 13 or Trisomy 18 family. Whether that family has a child in the hospital, is navigating medical life at home, or recently said goodbye to their child, this feels like a good way to stay connected to the community that’s been there for us throughout our journey.
Including her on our Christmas cards. This has looked a little different for us each year. In 2019, we used our cards as a pregnancy announcement (photo in bio below), but received her life-limiting diagnosis right after we ordered them. We decided to send out our cards with a letter explaining our experience and that we appreciated any prayers our friends and family could send our way. In 2020, we sent a card with a photo from the day Riley was born and it said, “Heavenly Peace” across the front with a note on the back about our time with her. In 2021, we kept it very simple, including a photo of my husband, our newborn son, and myself, and included Riley’s name. For some cards and family photos, I like to hold a framed photo of Riley to include her, but sometimes doing so makes me more sad. I like to think of other ways I see her in our family photos (like the trees surrounding us, which she liked to look at), when a framed photo may not always feel comforting.

BONUS HOLIDAY IDEAS

While I know we’re currently in the winter holiday season, I wanted to include a couple of other holidays where I’ve found comforting ways to include Riley, for those who are looking ahead. I hope these can be helpful for you, too.

Easter

I’ve made Riley a small Easter basket the last two years, but similar to her stocking at Christmas, I try to keep it simple and know that it’s okay that I put the same things in it each year. I was inspired by another mom to a child in Heaven, by including children’s books that point to Jesus. On our first Easter without Riley, it was comforting reading the books because it made something that’s sometimes so hard to grasp easy to understand. On our second Easter without her, we had our son with us, and while he was far too young to know what we were saying, over the years I hope this helps him understand a bit more. (Our favorite books so far are God Gave Us Easter and A Very Happy Easter Prayer.)

Halloween

Riley was known for having her unicorn pacifier, and so we’ve carved a unicorn pumpkin for her every year. It’s been really sweet, because I’ve heard trick-or-treaters say, “Wow, a unicorn!” when they come to our doorstep. It truly warms my heart each time I hear another child notice the unicorn pumpkin.

WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

As I mentioned earlier, sometimes doing/buying all these things can fall flat for me because it doesn’t fill the emptiness I’m hoping it will. If that happens for you and you decide keeping things smaller or more private is best, then I hope you feel encouraged to do that. There’s no right way to grieve. No matter how big or small the thing is that you do, I promise your baby knows how loved they are.

Meet the Author:

Amanda and her husband, Jeff started their journey into parenthood with a life-limiting diagnosis for their daughter, Riley. Riley was born in 2020 and lived for 117 beautiful days. Her life taught them to appreciate the small joys in life, just as she did. In 2021, they welcomed Riley’s little brother, Samuel, who has brought a great sense of healing to their hearts. While they still feel early in their grief journey, they’re working together at rebuilding their lives and finding those sweet joys, just like Riley would want them to.

Connect with Amanda: www.instagram.com/gilmoresgal