What is Motherhood After Loss | Q&A with Aimee Jones
A SPECIAL SERIES ABOUT WHAT MOTHERHOOD MEANS TO THE MOM WHO HAS EXPERIENCED PREGNANCY OR INFANT LOSS.
Tell us about your loss
In summer of 2018 my husband Daniel and I were expecting our first child, a daughter named Virginia Hope. We call her Ginny. Other than some anxiety in the first trimester, the pregnancy went very smoothly, and I was low risk. We were so excited and had everything ready. I was planning to be a stay at home mom, so I even quit my job as an engineering project manager. I spent my days prepping for our baby girl.
It was a total shock when we went in for a growth ultrasound at 34 weeks 5 days, and there was no heartbeat. Our world came crumbling in on us. I could see no future.
But God was so clearly with us. His presence was palpable during Ginny’s birth and the days after. He truly is near to the brokenhearted.
I spent the first months of motherhood mourning my daughter. I prayed, journaled, read, and listened to Joyful Mourning Podcast. I nurtured my grief as if it was my child to care for. For me, motherhood was synonymous with mourning.
8 months after Ginny was born, we were pregnant again. The experience was entirely different since our naivety was gone. The months of pregnancy after loss slowly ticked by during the pandemic. It was very hard to hope for a living baby, so I tried to focus my heart on the hope of heaven and surrender to God’s will no matter what it was.
On July 21, we welcomed our son Chester “Chet” Thomas. He has brought so much JOY into our lives! My desperate instincts to fill my empty arms have been fulfilled. Now I’m daily trying to find the balance of parenting Chet, grieving Ginny, and not taking a single moment for granted. I love it!
What surprised you about grief?
Grief is so much richer and deeper than I once thought. Before this experience, I thought grief was something to get through, stages you have to successfully walk through to be a healthy and “normal” person again. Through this experience, I now know that grief is not something to get through. It is something to carry with you in your heart always. It isn’t a bad aspect of life; it is an extra fullness of life. I never knew grief was a type of love.
What does motherhood mean to you?
We hear the saying “home is where the heart is”. The same applies to motherhood. When Ginny died, there was no evidence of my motherhood on Earth. But I knew in my heart I was a mom. My daughter was in heaven; part of my heart was in heaven. It made me more aware of unconventional motherhoods. Foster moms, loss moms, even moms who unofficially fill that role in the lives of friends should be honored as mothers. These moms pour their heart into their children. God put them into that role, and their motherhood is real.
How has grief impacted your everyday life?
Grief has definitely made me more empathetic to others. I'm no longer afraid of interacting with people in pain. I lean into them.
Grief has shown me that God is present with me, and I don't have to work so hard to realize or experience that. There is freedom there.
Grief has forced me to take time for my emotional and mental health everyday.
How has your loss shaped your motherhood?
During most of my 20s, I did not plan on having kids. I was very career focused. I didn’t think I could fill the role of “mother” well while also succeeding in my career. I chose career… until I spoke to executives on the brink of retirement. They shared that they wished they focused more on their families, and they said that promotions at work were not fulfilling. Their advice as well as my own maturity led me to turn my focus to family, but I thought of motherhood like a job. It was something I was preparing for, something I could perform and excel at. I was going to ace this motherhood thing.
Then Ginny died.
Her death blew me away and changed not only how I look at motherhood but how I look at life. I am not in control. God is in control. I fell into his loving arms. My perspective of everything changed. He gently guided me on an unbeaten path. He led me to build relationships with other loss moms. He led me to a whole new career serving those who are hurting (I’m a volunteer coordinator at a hospitality house where people from long distances stay to get treatment at my local hospital). I am no longer focused on personal and professional “success”, but I am now focused on love and service. Now I view motherhood not as a job, but as an appointed honor full of so much love.
What challenges do you find in being a mom?
Motherhood takes all of you - your time, your energy, your body, your mind, your heart. Whether your baby lives or dies, you give it all. It's hard not to lose who you are sometimes. "Mother" or "bereaved mother" can feel like your whole identity sometimes. It helps to focus on who you are in Christ - a beloved daughter. That never changes.
What are some joys you experience in motherhood?
SO MUCH LOVE! Your heart grows so much, then breaks, then grows more.
What does being a mom teach you about yourself?
Being a mom has taught me that I'm a lot stronger and braver than I thought I was. I can do hard things. It also taught me that I am not immune to tragedy and loss. It can happen to me.
What does being a mom teach you about God?
First, it gives me a little more insight into how much God loves us. Since my heart has grown, I can experience more of His love.
Second, it shows me that God's heart is broken for His children. When Ginny died, I felt God's compassion and His broken heart.
Third, it taught me that God truly is near. I don't have to do anything; He is with me. His presence will comfort me in times of hardship.
What encouragement do you have for other moms in the thick of motherhood and grief?
The love will stay. It won’t dull over time; it’ll strengthen over time. At first I worried that in the future I would remember my baby with only pain and regret. But that is not true. I remember my baby with so much love. There is pain, but it is all out of love. Even though their lives are short, our babies are huge blessings to our families. That won’t change.
Let your mind process the “what if’s.” But if it feels like you are spiraling there and can’t get past it, turn to the Word. Focus on the hope of heaven and being reunited with your baby. Remember what God promises - it is not a life free of hardship, but it is comfort and peace that transcends understanding. He is near to the brokenhearted. Ask God to help you shift to an eternal mindset.
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