What is Motherhood After Loss | Q&A with Mary Prince

A SPECIAL SERIES ABOUT WHAT MOTHERHOOD MEANS TO THE MOM WHO HAS EXPERIENCED PREGNANCY OR INFANT LOSS.

Tell us about your loss

I'm a mother to four babies, all in heaven. Three passed away in my womb and one passed in my arms.

In June of 2019, my husband and I began trying to conceive. We got pregnant immediately and we were so excited. I had heard of miscarriages, but never imagined it happening to me. Unfortunately, at six weeks we discovered that things were things not going as they should and our first baby, Isadora, passed.

A few months later, we discovered we were pregnant again. Things were going really well and - after my first loss - I wanted to soak in every second. This pregnancy was filled with ultrasounds and hope. Our little baby wiggled on the ultrasound screen and had such a beautiful heartbeat. We were told that it looked like a healthy, promising pregnancy. I began bleeding at seven weeks, but the baby looked fine. She was dancing and moving, only to suddenly stop and pass at eight and a half weeks with no explanation. We named her Clara.

We learned of our third pregnancy on Christmas week. We hoped this one would stay. I decided if he was was a boy we would name him Jedidiah. His short life ended Christmas day.

After losing three babies in the womb, I didn't know what motherhood would mean for me. There was a time when I didn't know if I would continue to pursue having children. In the midst of this dry spell, our miracle baby Noah was conceived.

Everyone who's gone through pregnancy after loss knows that it's hard. I was convinced that at any moment I would lose my baby boy, but - even in the womb - Noah was never one to be ignored. He was an active, happy baby. Throughout pregnancy, he was a bit small, but otherwise seemed very, very healthy. I was assured that I was carrying a very healthy, very energetic baby boy. Never one to be traditional, Noah entered the world via emergency c-section at 26 weeks, eyes open with a smile. He was our miracle.

Noah lived in the NICU for six short weeks, but those weeks felt like an eternity of love where I got to see my baby's personality shine. We learned after about a month that, although Noah was awake and alert, there were some complications that had missed during pregnancy. Noah had four heart defects but eventually passed of a critical heart defect (coarctation of the aorta) that is very hard to detect.

Each loss felt different, but each are dearly missed. With my first three, I will forever grieve never knowing the people they would be. With Noah, I grieve the loss of not seeing him again until eternity. With all four, I feel blessed to have known them at all.

What surprised you about grief?

Grief is layered and it looks different at different times. The only way past it is through. I really resonate with Nicholas Wolterstoff's quote, "“If he was worth loving, he is worth grieving over." I loved my son and I loved all my children. That pain must be felt and feeling that pain leads to the healing that will eventually lead to hope.

What does motherhood mean to you?

Motherhood is caring for and loving your children in every stage of motherhood. In pregnancy, it's caring for them and providing them a place to grow; after birth, it's being with them, demonstrating your love, and taking care of their daily needs; in loss, it's holding a space in your heart to love and remember them.

How has grief impacted your everyday life?

One person in one of my grief groups told me that grief is like background music. In early grief, it's loud and all-consuming and you can barely hear anything but the words. As time goes on, the music becomes subdued, but it's still there, coloring all that you do. I'm learning how to acknowledge that grief in a way that allows me to carry my son and other children forward with me.

For me, acknowledging my grief is doing small things, like wearing earrings that remind me of my son, telling his story and showing people pictures, playing music that reminds me of him, and lighting a candle. Sometimes, in those moments, there is joy in remembering that I was blessed to know my children's little lives, in knowing that they forever made an impression on my life and the lives of others.

How has your loss shaped your motherhood?

Motherhood for me so far has been a journey of loss, but the losses have taught me to cherish my children while I have them.

One of my friends told me that pregnancy after loss is learning to value every moment you get to spend with your child-- both the extraordinary and the mundane, regardless of whether you carry your child for four weeks or get to have them in your life forever.

I've carried this belief through with all of my pregnancies since and, when my son was alive, it colored the way I viewed time with him. Every moment in the NICU with Noah was Heaven on Earth. Even when things were hard and scary, I could rejoice in the fact that I was given the chance to know my son. It's been the ultimate blessing.

What challenges do you find in being a mom?

Being a bereaved mother is hard. You have to grapple with your faith and your view of reality and then start to rebuild a life again. I've learned to embrace the hard, to not be afraid to tell God that I'm angry or hurt or upset and to ask Him to restore my trust in Him again. In this, He has been faithful. My heart is slowly peeling back the layers of hurt that followed the immediate loss of my son. I am learning to trust my life to a God with plans I don't understand and know that He is faithful.

I'm still in the middle of my story. I've had to grapple with the questions of "What if there is no happy ending at the end of the rainbow for me on Earth? What if I'm never able to have children that stay?" That's hard. I'm learning I can't put my faith in my happy endings, but I can trust in God.

On a different note, one of my biggest struggles is missing my children. Mother and child were never meant to be separated. My children are frolicking with the angels. I am not. I wish I could hold them in my arms. I wish Noah was home and could be taking Halloween and Christmas and Valentine's pictures. I wish I could watch him grow up, go to school, get ready for his first dance, and get married. I don't get to have that with him here. Grief persists and evolves over time. That's really difficult.

What are some joys you experience in motherhood?

I don't even know where to begin with this question because there are just so many things that have brought me joy.

In pregnancy, I loved carrying my babies. I loved feeling their little presence alongside me everywhere they go. With Noah, I have this memory of packing up some things in my classroom and him kicking me in the side every time I moved. There's such a joy in having your baby's heart beat inside you.

After birth, I loved watching my baby watch me. Noah would always open his eyes wide every time he heard me and reach for my hand. He knew I was his person.

I loved watching his personality develop. Noah was feisty but joyful. His life was hard, but he was always SO happy. After he died, one of his nurse's wrote me a note saying how she would never forget how he would open his eyes and look at her whenever she said hello, even though he was really, really sick and on dialysis. Noah was a baby who loved people above all else and it really showed.

In the grief, joy looks different here too. Joy comes when people let me show them a picture or tell them a story about my son. Joy comes in the kindness of others when they make it clear that he is not forgotten. Joy comes in knowing I will be reunited with my brood of children when I enter Heaven's gates.

What does being a mom teach you about yourself?

Being a mom has shown me that I can do hard things. I can learn to advocate for my child, both when they are in and out of the womb. I can love even when it looks scary because my children are worth the risk. I can grieve and still have hope.

What does being a mom teach you about God?

In every stage of motherhood, God has taught me to rely on him. When I was carrying Noah, we almost lost him multiple times and the entire world was in the midst of a pandemic. Fear lingered at every turn, but it was through that fear that God taught me faith.

In grief, I'm learning to surrender. God's plans are incomprehensible, but - in all my days - he's been good. I have to cling to that.

What encouragement do you have for other moms in the thick of motherhood and grief?

Feel. Don't run away from the grief. Don't try to hide your anger and hurt and confusion from God. He is big enough and faithful enough to understand. The Bible is full of songs of lament, prayers of complaint, and God's faithful responses. When it's difficult to pray, tell God and ask Him to teach your heart how to trust Him again.

The days of grief are hard, but there will be moments when you think of your child and will be filled with more joy than sorrow. There will be days where you will be able to rebuild a life, even when it doesn't feel like it right now. Give yourself the grace to heal and grieve and mourn and, eventually, rejoice again.