Q&A with a Professional Counselor | Part II: Trauma, Trauma Therapy & Therapy for Families/Kids
After experiencing significant loss and trauma of losing a baby, many women consider pursuing counseling in some capacity as part of their journey of healing and grieving. Through the years, we’ve received a number of questions related to what counseling is, how to find a counselor, and navigating different counseling circumstances.
The Morning Team invited licensed counselor and member of The Joyful Mourning Community, Larissa Rossen, to join us for a conversation about counseling. In Part II of this two-part series, Larissa Rossen answers questions for us related to trauma, trauma therapy, navigating grief with your kids, and more.
What is trauma?
Trauma is a buzz word in the field of counseling and psychology at the moment. The word is used widely and there is so much to learn and read about it. Trauma is officially defined as“the exposure to actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violence in one (or more) of the following ways: directly experiencing the traumatic event(s); witnessing, in person, the event(s) as it occurred to others; learning that the traumatic event(s) occurred to a close family member or friend; experiencing repeated or extreme exposure to aversive details of the traumatic event(s).” 2
Although this definition is useful, many events may be traumatic even if the threat to life or injury is not present. Trauma is also experienced differently from person to person – something that is traumatic for one person may not be traumatic for another person, and vice versa.
As a result, many professionals refer to trauma as something that is negative and unexpected, leaving the person feeling overwhelmed, confused, and/or powerless.
If you want to understand more, I recommend reading The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk which is all about how trauma impacts our body and how we can find healing and recovery.
What are the benefits of trauma therapy?
Those who have experienced the loss of a child know trauma, and the impacts on themselves and their bodies, intimately well. The challenge in recovering from trauma is re-establishing ownership of your body, your mind and, ultimately, yourself. Even if you don’t seek out trauma therapy specifically, it is important to find a therapist who is trauma-informed. This means that they are sensitive to the effects of trauma and work to avoid re-traumatization and ensure you feel safe and supported.
EMDR is something I see mentioned a lot. Will you explain EMDR?
EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing and is a type of trauma therapy based on the idea that negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are the result of unprocessed memories. EMDR was first developed by American psychologist Francine Shapiro while walking in a park. She noticed that when disturbing thoughts arose, her eyes started moving back and forth spontaneously in an upward diagonal and her distress was reduced. Over the next 6 months she worked with about 70 people to create a protocol that could be replicated to decrease anxiety. She called it gestalt Eye Movement and Desensitization (EMD) which was later renamed to EMDR.
EMDR aims to reduce symptoms of trauma by changing how memories are stored in the brain. An EMDR therapist does this by leading you through a series of bilateral (side-to-side) eye movements as you recall traumatic or triggering experiences in small segments, until those memories no longer cause distress. The controversy with EMDR is that researchers are still not exactly sure about the mechanism by which EMDR’s effectiveness occurs. The American Psychological Association conditionally recommends EMDR for the treatment of PTSD. A conditional recommendation means that, while research suggests positive treatment outcomes, there’s not yet enough evidence to recommend it to everyone across the board.
Speaking of trauma, how can I talk to my living children about their experience losing a sibling?
Bereaved parents with other living children are encouraged to talk with their child(ren) about the loss and explain the loss in age-appropriate language. Children understand much more than we imagine they do, and it’s important that we are proactive in helping them to find language to make sense of their experiences, otherwise children tend to fill in the blanks with their own understanding which in some cases can be quite limited.
Validating your child’s emotional experience is also key to building resiliency and emotional intelligence, so you could try and help your child(ren) by naming their feelings which helps them to organize or ‘tame’ their big emotions.
If you’re finding it difficult to discuss your loss or know how to put it into words, Huffpost wrote up a good summary of children’s books that explain death and grief to children. Editor’s Note: Members of The Morning Team & Joyful Mourning Community have also shared a list of recommended children’s books here (find link).
What are counseling options for my family or living children?
When it comes to counseling for families and children, there are a range of options to consider. Some therapists offer sessions with families all together, which can be particularly beneficial after the family experiences the loss of a child.
The benefit of seeing a counselor all together as a family is that younger children may be less likely to feel they are the problem and that the family as a whole works together to process the loss. It is common for children to feel responsible for bad things happening within the family, as they don’t yet have the capacity to understand broader factors that led to the loss. For example, little Johnny may have wished Mom didn’t get pregnant and they weren’t getting another child, and if that baby dies Johnny might feel he caused it to happen.
I’m a strong advocate for family therapy but unfortunately it can be difficult to find a skilled family therapist who can make space for all of the family members in the room. If you are interested in finding a family therapist, you can try the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapists.
My recommendation for children’s counseling is to find a good play or art therapist that understands grief and loss, as these modalities allow children to process in their own language - the language of play and art. Children have limited vocabulary for processing deep feelings and emotions; play and art therapy have been shown to be very effective for children to communicate what is going on for them at a deeper level.
Children may also benefit from group counseling or specific programs for children tailored to grief and loss, but they can sometimes be difficult to find.
How do I know when to pursue counseling for my family or children?
The question of knowing when children and other family members might need some professional counseling is an individual, case-by-case decision. For adult family members, it’s best to talk directly with the person and express your concern. Unfortunately, even with the best intentions and care, you can’t make another person seek counseling; they need to make that decision for themselves.
With children, on the other hand, parents have a responsibility to care for their needs. Most parents know their children well enough to have a sense that their child has changed or needs some additional support. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry published a helpful article on grief in children which helps explain children’s reactions to grief and loss, as well as some signs to look out for that the child may not be coping and need some counseling support following loss.
For more Q&A with a Professional Counselor, check out Part I: What Counseling Is & How to Find a Counselor here.
References
1 Ardito, R. B., & Rabellino, D. (2011). Therapeutic alliance and outcome of psychotherapy: historical excursus, measurements, and prospects for research. Frontiers in psychology, 2, 270. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2011.00270
2 The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM; 5th Edition)
MEET THE AUTHOR: LARISSA ROSSEN
Larissa is a Registered Clinical Counselor in private practice in British Columbia, Canada. Her counseling practice, BE Counselling, is named after her son, Brayden Elijah, who was born still at 38+3 weeks. She conducts research investigating perinatal mental health, maternal bonding, and maternal identity following the loss of a baby as well as supports grieving families through loss. Her rainbow daughter is named Ava which means “life”.
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