What Your Grieving Friend Wishes You Knew: 5 Ways to Care for Your Grieving Friend

ARTICLE BY LAUREN WAGEHOFT

I delivered my firstborn daughter, Eden Rose, in October of 2020. Given a diagnosis of full Trisomy 13, my husband and I knew we had to cherish each moment with her. Eden spent 44 precious days in our arms before passing away. In the months that followed, I discovered that the grief over her loss impacted every facet of my life, including my friendships.

If you are reading this, you may have a friend who is grieving, and you are struggling with how to best support them. Simply asking the question of how you can support someone in their grief shows that you care a great deal for your friend. Supporting a loved one through pregnancy or infant loss can be challenging, especially if you have not experienced a loss of your own. But my hope is that you may gain a deeper understanding of what your friend may be feeling, in a way that she may not be able to directly tell you.

1. Silence can feel hurtful.

Perhaps the most hurtful reaction from friends after Eden died was silence. I had many friends (who I considered to be close) who did not reach out to me after she died. Even worse, when I saw them in person, they did not acknowledge my loss in any way. My daughter’s death became like the elephant in the room that was being ignored. Remember, you do not have to have the perfect words to say, but do try to say something.

2. It isn’t your job to fix her pain; just be there.

When someone we love is hurting, it can be tempting to want to help them feel better. In doing this, we sometimes toss around phrases that sound good, but lack depth and truth. Even saying seemingly comforting things like “Your baby is in a better place,” can be hard to hear as a grieving mother, because we really just want our babies to be here in our arms. Resist the urge to use platitudes and clichés, because they are likely to fall flat. Instead, simply offer your presence. Let her cry if she needs to. Be willing to enter into her pain with her, even if it means enduring some uncomfortable moments. Simple statements like “I’m sorry” and “I’m here for you” can go a long way in letting your friend know that you care.

3. She wants to talk about her baby, but there are also times she may not be able to.

Most bereaved moms would tell you that contrary to what you may think, we actually do want to talk about our babies. However, there may be some situations where it is not ideal to bring up the heavy stuff. For example, I enjoy going to Pilates classes. The instructor is a friend who knew my story, but did not bring up my loss in front of others when I returned to classes. This was a relief to me, because I was there for self-care time, and the environment was not conducive to those kinds of heavy conversations. This is why it is helpful to follow the grieving friend’s lead. If she brings up her baby, lean into that. Ask questions and offer a listening ear. Do not change the subject if she wants to talk about her baby. But if she does not bring up her baby, she may not be in the mood to talk about it. If you have doubts about whether or not it is a good time, simply let your friend know that you are willing to talk if she wants to, but also that you understand if that will not be helpful for her at this time.

4. Keep checking in on her, even if you don’t get a response.

I have a few close friends who periodically check in with a simple message reminding me that they are thinking of Eden. I cannot emphasize enough how helpful this has been for me. It only takes a minute to type out a quick text saying “Thinking of you today. No need to respond.” You may not get a response from your friend after sending these messages, but I assure you, it still matters. Grief is nonlinear; it does not ease up according to any certain timeline. Your friend doesn’t just need you a month after her loss, she needs you in the months and years to follow. It is vitally important to continue checking in, especially on holidays and milestone days. Find out if there is a certain day of the month that is especially hard for her. For example, the 15th of each month is always quite difficult for me in my grief, because it marks the day that my daughter would be one month older. On these days in particular, simple texts and phone calls can really help me feel less alone.

5. Some topics may be off limits for now, but it doesn’t mean she doesn’t care.

There may be some topics that your friend cannot engage with right now in her grief. In the months that followed by loss, it was very difficult to be around friends who were pregnant with healthy babies. It wasn’t that I was not happy for them, but it was hard to see others around me get to have what I so desperately wanted with my own baby. Talking with my friends about their living babies or pregnancies felt really heavy and difficult for me. I appreciated when friends seemed to understand and respect the boundaries that I needed to set for my own healing.

Thank you for seeking to better understand grief. My sincere hope is that this article has provided some practical insights into navigating friendship after pregnancy or infant loss.

MEET THE AUTHOR: Lauren Wagehoft

Lauren is a believer, wife, physical therapist, and mother. She and her husband Baylor have two children, one on Earth and one in Heaven. Their daughter Eden was prenatally diagnosed with Trisomy 13 and spent 44 precious days with them on Earth. Just 13 months after Eden's birth, her little brother Jude was born. He brings so much hope, joy, and love into their lives. Lauren enjoys writing about her experiences and connecting with other moms journeying through life after infant loss.

Connect with Author: @laurenwagehoft