What I Wish You Knew About a 3rd Trimester Loss | Stillbirth

So much of grief after pregnancy or infant loss involves being misunderstood. We recently asked our Joyful Mourning Community to share with us what they wish that others – friends, family, the medical community, etc. – understood about pregnancy or infant loss. Here are their responses. And PS: If you want to know more about how to love a friend grieving a pregnancy loss in the 1st trimester, click here & download a free guide, just for you. Thank you for loving the grieving mom in your life!

About 3rd Trimester Loss or Stillbirth:

Every story and every loss is unique. Not all types of 3rd trimester losses are listed here. But these are a good starting point if you want to understand more.

The 3rd trimester is between 29-40+ weeks in a woman’s pregnancy.
If a baby dies in utero after 20 weeks, or during labor or childbirth, the loss is considered a stillbirth.
In many cases, the reason for stillbirth is unexplainable.

We asked:

What do you wish other people understood about losing a baby in the 3rd trimester?

They answered:

“The majority of my grief, that I’ve discovered after a few months of grieving, was that I saw a perfectly formed child but never knew him. I speculate on whether his name fit a personality I never got to see develop. No memories outside of the womb, but grief as strong as if there were a lifetime of memories. I suppose I’ve entered grieving “what could have been”. It’s hard wanting to talk so much about your child when there’s so little to talk about.” - C.

“I want to say and talk about my son almost daily, I need people to know he was real.” - C.

“So many people don’t understand that a late stillbirth is all the hard things about childbirth and parenting with some extra cruel events and work added in. It hurts to think that some people think I didn’t really have a baby and that I’m just sad. I’m not sure why people choose to stay in the dark about the harsh reality of miscarriage and stillbirth, but I really wish they’d take the time to understand what this part of parenthood looks like.” - T.

“I felt as though people just forgot that I had to go through labor. Also, how hard it is to have to put away or give away an entire nursery that was waiting for a sweet baby that never came home. I felt as though the secondary losses that I went through people didn’t acknowledge and I felt so alone.” - S.

“I wish that people understood that when I say I will never have that opportunity or that experience with my son, that they stop saying yes you'll get it again. It hurts me because having another child does not negate the loss of my first born son, whom I will always grieve our should-haves together. I think that others not on this journey do not see how many layers upon layers are involved in our grief.” - C.

“That I want to talk about my son!! And it's not a bad thing. It doesn't mean I'm in a bad spot. He was my son. I carried him for 34 weeks. AND I BURIED HIM!!!! I will always have something missing from my life and so let me talk about him.” - M.

“I want people to know that if they bring up my son it will not make me more sad. I am already sad every day. Them bringing him up will not cause me more sadness, but it will let me know that they remember him. Honestly, not talking about him makes me more sad. Talking about him is the only way to keep his memory alive. My biggest fear is that my son will be forgotten.” - A.

“I wish that people hadn’t stopped checking in on us. It’s been almost 3 months since we lost our boy at 35 weeks and the “how are you doing” texts have really dwindled. I wish people knew how much it means when they keep reaching out. Because even though at 3 months post loss I might seem like I’m doing “okay” I’m still really hurting.” - A.

“We are three months from our daughter’s death at 29 weeks. It’s amaIng to me how my old life/friendships have almost completely vanished.” - M.

“How often this happens.” - J.

“I wish that people would know it's pain and sadness that I live with every day to some degree, even months (and I'm sure years) later. All I have are memories of my sweet girl and many of those memories are traumatic. I loved holding my baby after delivery but in the end, she wasn't alive.” - B.

“One aspect that is unique about a 3rd trimester loss is the guilt of the “what ifs.” Our son could have lived outside the womb. What if we had known sooner that something was wrong? Did I miss something or should I have pushed the doctors harder? Did my “mothers intuition” fail me and allow my son to die? Could he have been saved and be here now if we had done something different? It doesn’t make sense in my mind that he would have been safer out here preterm than he was in my womb, but it’s true. You look back at the last weeks of your baby’s life and think about any little thing you may have missed or the questions you didn’t know you should have asked or things like that, and it just hits so hard thinking that if the problem had been detected, they could have taken him out and he could be alive right now. ” - M.

“I wish they understood that even when my husband and I made choices they wouldn't have made when it comes to labor/delivery it doesn't mean it was our fault that our baby girl is not here with us.” - K.

“I wish people took the time to empathize and sit in the pain and discomfort of carrying a baby for 30 weeks, decorating and organizing a nursery, planning a baby shower, scheduling a maternity and newborn photographer, making plans for childcare, scheduling off work, learning your child has died and all your planning and longing has been wrecked by death, labor and delivery, saying goodbye to your baby, postpartum, funeral planning, testing and doctors appointments, so many hospital and doctor bills, etc, etc.. These things are awful, but people not taking the time to think about or learn about them, doesn’t mean they don’t happen.” - T.

“I wish people knew that many stillbirths occur without known cause. It’s not unusual to have no reason, regardless of your chosen prenatal care and birth place.” - A.

“I love people and so many mean well!! But I had people ask if I actually went to the hospital or ask if I’m going to get pregnant again right after my delivery. People made comments about how they didn’t think it was right that we named her and were shocked that she had fingernails.” - T.

“If I didn’t truly believe God at His word that He numbers our days, I’d probably still have way more guilt over her death. That fact is the only thing that gives me peace.” - J.

“I wish people understood that while I can only have hope bc of Jesus and knowing my babies are in heaven, it doesn’t mean it hurts any less than losing them at any other point in their life. This is true of both my first and third trimester losses. The third trimester loss is so hard bc of having passed all the normal “safe” milestones of making it past first trimester, through an anatomy scan without any red flags, through the growth scan at 35 weeks, etc…and still having no warning of losing him.” - A.

“That she is still and always a part of our family, that her death does not mean I’m not still her mom. That I’ll always miss and grieve her. That her location in the universe has changed but that she is more alive than any of us… I feel everything any other mom feels about their kid, it just looks different in how I mother her.” - J.

“I want people to know we are still in this. Each and every day. Our loss of our daughter will never be something we “get better” from or “get over.” Her absence is felt and acknowledged each and every day.” - H.

“I was alone in a triage room in the hospital when they confirmed via ultrasound that my firstborn daughter had no heartbeat and it was the most painful feeling in the entire universe! I wish that “normal people” would understand that loss at any stage in pregnancy is devastating… Our loss was the same week we were supposed to have the baby shower. The nursery was just completed. One day prior we had our maternity photos. We had just posted the photos hours before I heard those devastating 6 words “there are not fetal heart tones.”” - R.

“We will always have the largest hole in our family. That missing piece. But at the end of the day, we should never feel so complete here on earth. Losing our girl means that missing piece at our dinner table is reserved by a space in Heaven. This is nothing I’ve ever wanted, but this will be something I’ll always need.” - H.

“I wish people understood what an awesome blessing our sweet boy was and is to us. To carry him for as long as he had life, and even after as well, it is such a privilege and an honor to be his mama. There is much pain in his loss, but that does not negate the blessing of his little life.” - S.