“I thought that a good God wouldn’t let my baby die.” | Faith After Loss

by amanda wilcock

“I thought that a good God wouldn’t let my baby die.”

That was the thought I had to finally face as I tried to put my life back together after unexpectedly losing our son Sam just after his birth.

I didn’t hate God. I didn’t wonder if He was real. But I was so confused. Who was He? Was the God I had read about and prayed to and believed in just a creation of my wishful, innocent thinking? Who was this God that had taken my perfect boy from me?

Obviously, I knew that babies died sometimes. And logically, I knew a good God had to allow for death in mortality. But the relationship I had with Him didn’t include that. And that relationship had taken quite the hit. I struggled to reconcile my reality with my faith, and over and over again I pleaded with God to help me understand and feel in my heart that His goodness was still there in my story.

4 years later, those prayers have been answered in many ways. I still don’t know it all, but I can trust that He was and is always there, as good and perfect and powerful as He has ever been. I have had to redefine my own relationship with Him and accept that His ways are higher than my ways. I have had to have patience with my own faith journey and with God’s timing. And I’ve had to learn so many things.

Momma, right now I know you might be hurting and confused and deep in the middle of your world and faith being completely redefined. I’ve walked that path. I’m still walking, maybe just a few steps ahead, and I want to share with you what might be hard for you to see right now.

01. Our faith is more complex than any one question, and we can hold onto the rest of our testimony and story as we wrestled with this part.

Remember the foundation of our faith lies not in circumstances or outcomes, but in Christ. There may be parts of our faith that are unsteady, crumbling, or gone. It may seem like the entire building of everything we ever believed is about to come crashing down. But if we focus on our simple knowledge of God as our foundation, we can stand safe in the rooms we feel certain of even as we repair (or demolish and rebuild) others.

02. The faith, hope, and joy we once felt were not wrong or wasted once we experience loss, and they are not gone forever.

The path of grief and faith is anything but straight and flat. I can’t tell you things get better every day. They don’t. But on some days they do. And over time, if we hold onto and seek those moments, they come easier and more frequently. Your faith may never be the same, but you will come to a point where you recognize it and embrace it because it feels good again.

03. Faith, hope, and joy will look different for the rest of your life, and it’s truly a blessing.

They may not be as light and carefree as they were in the past, but these precious feelings become so much more meaningful. When you feel glimpses of hope they are like a rush of air filling your lungs after struggling to breathe. Fleeting joyful moments are the most beautiful, clear light that cuts through the suffocating darkness. Believing seems like stepping on solid ground when you thought you’d be walking in quicksand forever. You will treasure many of the ways your baby has changed your life more deeply than you can imagine.

When it seems impossible that anything can ever feel right or good or okay again. When it feels hopeless to keep walking through life without your little one in your arms, look ahead on the path. Trust me as I reach back to you from a little further along - God is still good, and you will feel His love and light again.

Meet the Author: Amanda Wilcock

Author Bio: Amanda is a mom of four, including her oldest, Sam, who passed away just after his birth. She knows that family matters more than anything, and loves helping others strengthen their families as they heal and grieve after losing a child. She loves the grief mantra: "Give yourself space and grace to love and grieve the way you need to."

Connect with Author: @simply.a.miracle