Grieving with True Hope: How Parenting After Loss Has Shaped My Perspective on Death

by shanae thompson

A few months after my daughter died at three days old, I was presented with two opportunities to introduce the matter of death to my then two-year-old son. The first was by way of a dead fly he wanted revived and the second by reading a new picture book about Easter. Clearly, the fly’s death was infinitely less significant than the death of our daughter and his sister, or that of Jesus Christ. Nevertheless, both incidents served as an introduction to death, its (typical) earthly permanence, and its soberness to my young son.

We talked briefly about Jesus being dead and then, on the next page, celebrated that He was alive and “came back.” I do not at all intend to minimize Jesus, but I was so struck by the contrasting ends to the fly incident and the book on Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection.

It was a sobering morning of opening up the heavy topic. Of course, my son has a long way to go in his understanding of death. I am still processing it myself! What struck me the most, though, was that as Christians, to speak of death is also to speak of life. As our living children grow up and our conversations continue and deepen, death will not be the end of any conversation. These conversations will always include the resurrected life of Jesus Christ and the eternal life He secures for our daughter Eloise, for all babies who die, and for all who call on the name of the Lord for salvation.

Fast forward a year later, and the story of “Jesus dying on the cross” is my son’s favorite to hear and retell. There is always a solemn moment of recounting Jesus’ death and placement in the tomb. But my son’s greatest enthusiasm and joy always bursts through when I then ask him, “Did Jesus stay dead?” and he gleefully responds, “No! He rose! He is risen indeed!” He has even used the resurrection narrative to try and cheer me up on difficult grief days because he knows the joy it contains.

My son will tell you that death is the “really bad guy.” But he also knows–and reminds my heart–that Jesus is stronger than death. “The last enemy to be destroyed is death” (1 Corinthians 15:26 ESV) and we have full assurance from Scripture that Jesus will ultimately have the victory.

Discussing his sister’s death is never easy and it is something that our son has to keep circling back to, as is developmentally appropriate. But the burden of this task is greatly lifted by being able to also discuss the genuine, solid hope we have for Eloise and for ourselves because of the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. We are sorrowful now and we also give thanks that we will be together again one day in Heaven if we trust in and follow after Jesus.

My son does not always primarily feel the joy of knowing Eloise has new life in Heaven, which I can entirely relate to. He expresses sorrow that she died and is not here. That is entirely appropriate, as death is sad and is bad. Death is not how things are supposed to be. Jesus wept at the death of His dear friend Lazarus and is called “a man of sorrows and one acquainted with grief” (Isaiah 53:3). So yes, we grieve. Wholeheartedly. But we grieve as those with hope, which makes a tremendous difference for us as parents both of babies in Heaven and of children we get to raise.

I believe that an important part of the ongoing legacy of our babies in Heaven is how they make Heaven seem more tangible and close, thus aiding us in having conversations of great eternal value with our living children. When death inescapably touches our families, we are given opportunities to speak of the promise of new life in Jesus Christ alongside discussing death. It certainly does not require the death of our precious little ones in order to talk about the good news of Jesus Christ, but we are afforded hope in the midst of this greatest heartache.

Death is not just about death. It is also about new life in Jesus. This new life is extended to our babies gone far too soon and is readily available to we who grieve their precious lives. There is a light that shines into dark spaces-- the light of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

Meet the Author: Shanae Thompson

Author Bio: Shanae and her husband Seth are the parents of three children-- a three-year-old boy in their hands, Eloise Rose in Heaven, and another girl in their hopes due July 2022. Eloise was diagnosed with Trisomy 18 at 25 weeks of pregnancy and lived out three beautiful, sacred days before being completely healed in the presence of the Lord. Shanae's background is in teaching children and now embraces being home to raise their children in middle-of-nowhere Iowa

Connect with Author: @shanae_roset