What We Wish You Knew About Grieving our Babies in Heaven over the Holidays

by crystal midlik

We’re not ignoring your texts or calls.

We’re not being hurtful by replying, “Sorry, we can’t make it,” to your invitations.

We’re not being dramatic by letting you know we can’t travel home for the upcoming holidays.

We’re not trying to gain your pity or garner attention.

We’re simply trying to survive.

As we enter the holiday season, everywhere we look is a glaring reminder that our precious baby is not here where they should be. Every craft store or home goods department is full of decor that should joyfully cover our home. Every grocery trip is stocked with traditional foods we usually cook and bake. But how do we decorate, bake, and celebrate, when a member of our family is wrongfully missing?

Every advertisement bombards our email and social media feed with festive outfits that our baby should have worn or toys they would have loved to play with. Every playlist of Christmas music rings far too loud and too early in the store. Would we have soothed our sweet baby to sleep while singing these same carols?

In past years, we’ve been able to easily express our thanks and gratitude. This year, what we’re most thankful for was missing from our Thanksgiving table. There’s a dim spot where her highchair should be. A deafening quiet that just feels wrong. We’re not trying to grumble or be ungrateful for our lives, but our world looks vastly different from how we imagined. Our gratefulness and hope for a bright future with our baby has been cast over with a shadow. It’s not something we can simply push away. It actually hurts more to try to pretend that everything is fine.

And Christmas? It might be the most painful of all. How do we decorate a home that is void of our baby? How do we hang her stocking without her here in our arms? How do we trim a tree with ornaments we bought in anticipation of celebrating this year with her? How do we attend church services full of the message of hope, delivered through the birth of a baby so many years ago? It all hits far too close to home. Last year, Mary and Joseph were people we could relate to as we anticipated the birth of our child. Now, we know the outcome. We know death is coming. And while we know that message of hope ends in our salvation, it still hurts. It still leaves wounds that take time to heal. And a festive church service or a holiday party is the last thing our battered hearts can handle.

Again, we don’t want pity or charity. We don’t want to spoil your celebratory mood and holiday cheer. We just want our baby, and we want to be able to celebrate all of these beautiful moments with her. We will find ways to celebrate her differently. Our holiday traditions will change and grow as we miss her and love her. She will never be forgotten, no matter the holiday. But our celebrations will not look the same as they have before our loss. We are different people now.

What we need most from you is patience, understanding, and love to get through this difficult season. Keep inviting us, with the understanding that we might say no, or reply yes, only to change our minds at the last minute because it’s all just too much. Realize that if we do attend a festive gathering or travel home from out of town, our mood might seem more somber, or we might be more quiet and reflective. Maybe we even seem irritable or short-tempered. This isn’t meant to be rude. We’re just trying to get through each day as best we can.

But most of all, please remember our baby. Even the smallest acts of kindness and love for our little one can go a long way. Maybe something is displayed with our baby’s name. Perhaps an act of service or charity is done in honor of our baby. Anything helps to let us know that our precious child is not forgotten this holiday season.

MEET THE AUTHOR
CRYSTAL MIDLIK

Crystal lives in Virginia with her husband, Steve, and their two boxer pups, Crosby and Sadie. They are parents to their precious daughter in heaven, Sienna Grace. Steve and Crystal support the local organization, Weighted Angels, which provides weighted stuffed animals and support to pregnancy and infant loss families.

Connect with Crystal on Instagram: @hope_enduring