Lay Down Your Heavy Burdens | Where to Find Hope after Pregnancy or Infant Loss

by Renee Emerson

After our third loss this fall, our second one at 20 weeks, I was so ashamed.

I hid at home.

When we went to church, I hid behind my husband and children. I couldn’t bear the pitying glances, the well-meaning “how are you”s.

I had lost another baby, and I felt broken—heart broken, bodily broken, emotionally broken. All I wanted—besides my babies, which I couldn’t have—was to feel like a normal person again.

Instead I entered the darkest depression of my life; I questioned God, my faith, everything. Some days I felt like I could not go on.

But God and His love would not let me go—I kept seeing his hand in the beauty of nature, the joy of my living children, the well-timed snippet of poetry. So I began to pray again.

Praying was the very best thing I did to bring healing to my heart.

Society says, “go to therapy,” “do the work,”—and, yes, that is important. Journal, cry, go on long, solitary walks in the cold. Try one therapist, and, if she doesn’t work, try another. Read every single book, join support groups online and in person.

It may or may not make the nightmares go away, help you not cry at baby showers, allow you to remember your pregnancy with more joy than heartache.

Maybe, maybe not.

The good news I have for you is that for those who are in Christ, healing isn’t dependent on reading the right books or finding the best therapist or the right number of EMDR sessions.

It isn’t dependent on a rainbow baby.

These are all good and helpful things, and I encourage loss moms to try it all, but don’t go after these things so hard that you neglect to ask your Maker for healing.

He spoke a word, and there was a moon, a sun, an ocean, a world.
Can He not mend your broken body?

He defeated death to bring eternal life.
Can He not heal your broken heart?

He rules heaven and earth, and authors each of our stories.
Can He not give you peace?

I do pursue healing—with writing and reading especially—but the burden of healing my trauma and grief is not a burden I have to carry (Matthew 11:28). I am not forever broken; God promises that He will bring healing in His wings (Malachi 4:2), turn our mourning to dancing (Psalm 30:11), and that every heartache we endure in this world is, somehow, unbelievably, for our good, creating character, endurance, and hope in us (Romans 5:3-5).

If you are struggling to pray right now, you are not alone. Here are a few ideas to help you get started:

Journal your prayers. Spend a few moments writing out your prayers—it doesn’t have to be perfect, even a list is still a prayer.
Sing a prayer. Sing a favorite hymn to God as a prayer, even if you can’t carry a tune.
Pray the Psalms. Read a Psalm and pray that Psalm to God. Psalm 9 and Psalm 18 are good places to get started.
Pray prayers of other Christians. There are books of prayers, like The Valley of Vision, that were prayed by our Christian brothers and sisters of the past. Try praying one of those prayers as your own.
Pray with a friend or spouse. Try praying aloud with your spouse every evening, or praying with a friend over coffee. Sometimes when prayer was too hard for me, I would allow my husband to pray, and I would just say “Amen.”

Philippians 4:6–7 (NIV)
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus

Meet the Author: renee emerson

Renee Emerson is a homeschooling mom of five, and has three babies in heaven. She is the author of several poetry books, most recently Church Ladies (Fernwood Press, forthcoming May 2023), and a middle-grade novel about grief, Why Silas Miller Must Learn to Ride a Bike. When not doing the dishes or trying to get her two year old to wear clothes, she can be found writing poetry, walking outdoors, and reading aloud to her kids.

Connect with Author: www.renee-emerson.com