"How Can I Trust a God Who Let My Son Die?" Navigating Faith After Baby Loss | Episode 129 with Vaneetha Risner

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episode 129

This week I have the privilege of interviewing Vaneetha Risner — a woman who has walked through an incredible amount of pain in her life, experienced loss and suffering and yet joyfully says ‘God does not make mistakes.” During our time together Vaneetha shares the story of her son Paul and what her relationship with God looked like after his death.

We talk about asking God all the ‘why’ questions, why me, why him, why this way? We talk about whether it’s ok for Christians to ask God why. We talk about navigating feelings of guilt that come after a baby dies as we relive all the things we could have done differently that would have resulted in our baby living. We talk about what it means to lament, this word we see in the Bible but don’t hear very often -- what it means and what it looked like in Vaneetha’s life. We talk about what it feels like when God is blessing everyone around you -- does that mean you did something to deserve this or does God love those other people who have not experienced loss more? We discuss the question, where is God in all this, did He cause it? Is He still good? Could He have stopped it and chose not to? Does that make Him a cruel God?

We talk about all these spiritual faith questions and more -- if you have been wrestling with similar questions or wondering where God is in all of this, you are going to love this episode and you are going to love Vaneetha.

Remember the truths we are sharing here are not from a pious mountain top where everything has gone perfect — no these truths, the answers and thoughts shared here are from two women who have experienced both pregnancy and infant loss. Vaneetha has endured an incredible amount of suffering and still says, God does not make mistakes.

Also, it’s ok if you aren’t there yet. If you aren’t able to say those words. God isn’t angry or disappointed with you — He loves you. He will never leave you. No matter where you are on your faith journey amidst grief, I pray this episode would remind you of God’s great love for you, give you the freedom to lament, to sit in your grief, and to cry out to Him with your pain.

Vaneetha is the author of the book Walking through Fire which I reference throughout our time together — in this memoir she tells her story in depth and I highly recommend picking up a copy. It was the first book I’ve read in a long time that I couldn’t put down. Her story-telling and honesty is powerful and hope filled.

QUESTIONS we discuss IN EPISODE 129

You wrote these words: “Where is God, and who have I become? How can I trust a God who just let my son die?” (page 47, Walking Through Fire) Tell me more about that. What would you say to a woman who is asking similar questions?
You wrote these words: “When Paul died, I wanted to honor God in my response. I prayed that God would use Paul’s life to bring people to faith. And in the immediate aftermath of his death, God had felt close, ever present, as if he was walking beside me through the day. Sometimes it even felt like I was being carried. That season of faith had been a flare that faded all too soon. Even as the daily routines of life began to return, the only routine of my spiritual life was a daily litany of doubts and questions. Alone with the quiet at my kitchen table I would stare at nothing, remembering again and again that I had begged God to save Paul’s life and God hadn’t. Why?... Why had God not saved Paul even after I begged him? Why had God let me feel so much hope if all along he was going to crush it?” (page 55-56, Walking Through Fire) Did you ever find answers to those ‘why’ questions? What would you say to a woman who is asking ‘Why God?’ about her own story?
Right after you wrote those last words, asking God why, you wrote this: “Whenever I went out and saw parents with babies, I asked myself if God loved them more than he loved me. I was embarrassed that I had proclaimed God’s faithfulness in front of everyone at the time of Paul’s death and now felt… nothing. Indifference was easier than the pain of trying to trust.” I can relate to this thought process and the questioning and the pain of trusting a God who could have stopped death but didn’t, wondering if I did something wrong or what made others with living babies more deserving -- what would you say to a woman who is working through similar thoughts?
God met you in that season in a special way, you wrote: “I still cried every day, but instead of crying into a void, I was to God, holding nothing back. I wrote furiously in my journal, asking God questions and telling him how angry and hurt I was. But every sentence, every tear, drew me toward God and not away.” (page 58) You would go on to say: “Lament became the language of my love for God. I no longer avoided God because of my pain but offered my pain to him, and I discovered he was already there, waiting and listening.” (page 60, Walking Through Fire) Tell me more about that.
You wrote: “I wanted to believe -- not just in theory but with all of me -- that the suffering in my life wasn’t random or meaningless, but that God was using it all for good. That it all had a God-ordained purpose.” (page 63) Do you believe that to be true? What would you say to a woman who wants to believe that God never makes a mistake?
After all you have been through, how do you respond to the question is God still good?

Meet Vaneetha

Vaneetha is passionate about helping others find hope and joy in the midst of suffering. Her story includes contracting polio as a child, losing an infant son unexpectedly, developing post-polio syndrome, and going through an unwanted divorce, all of which have forced her to deal with issues of loss.